I have never really considered myself a lucky person. In fact, one of my mentors was perennially frustrated because he thought that I alway saw the glass as half full.

But, today I think my glass is at lesat 3/4 of the way to full!

One of the issues for people raising children of a different race is providing authentic role models. After all, if you are white and your child is Chinese, you can teach him about China, but you can’t teach him how to be Chinese. You may have an intellectual understanding of what a child of color might experience, but you would never really know what implications the child’s race or ethnicity has-simply because your experience in the world has not prepared you.

Today, my daughter is splashing in a pool with LuLu. LuLu has been in the US (from Shanghai)for four of her 13 years. LuLu’s mom is my daughter’s Chinese language and culture teacher. When Min offered to send her daughter to be a mother’s helper a few days a week, I was estatic-and not just because my daughter would be out of my hair for a few hours-she would have role model. A Chinese teen, born in China and living in a Chinese family.

My daughter took to LuLu right away and I heard Lulu teaching my daughter some Mandarin and practicing what she already knew. LuLu taught her the character for horse-and then played Monopoly with her. They were chatting away like old friends.

I believe that my daughter is starved for friends of color, role models and experiences that I can’t give her. I am not exaggerating. Nor am I downplaying my role as her parent. I am just facing up to the fact that as much as I love her I can’t provide it all.

Beside her immediate attraction to LuLu, my daughter surprised me by listing her ‘best friends’ the other day. The are: Delaney (adopted from China); Ping (adopted from China) Kendra (adopted from Cambodia) and Pablo (born in El Salvador).

I was surprised those were her choices-I was expecting the parade of the WASPs.

But her choices tell me a lot about what she is processing now.

So, as you look to raise great kids, don’t overlook the importance of developing friends of all shapes, colors and sizes. You don’t have to feel awkward in ‘targeting’ people-after all, if you were a single woman, you might ‘target’ single moms to engage.

Get your kids used to dealing with people from everywhere, in every color in the rainbow. It might be one of the most important thing you do for your kids!

With Respect and Celebration,

Deb

Since everyone, everywhere has to eat a great way to get kid jazzed about cultures other than there own is to cook food from different cultures with them! Before you go screaming into the hills-it is not necessary to be a gourmet chef to cook with your kids. It does take a little planning, though.

When you cook anything with kids, you have to follow some basic rules:
1. Your kitchen and everything in it will be dirty

2. The recipes have to be kid-friendly-they will get bored and cranky if there are too many steps or the recipe is complicated.

3. The kids have to be ‘hands-on’ with the entire process.

4. You will probably end up cleaning the kitchen yourself while the kids slink off to watch TV.

5. To really be fun for kids-and less frustrating for you-have everything you
will need close at hand.

Last night we made jiaoze (Chinese dumplings). It was a messy and fun experience-and the dumplings were delicious. It gave us the opportunity to talk about dumplings from all over the world-ravioli, pirogi, kreplach, etc. Everyone was amazed at how many people ate dumplings. It really illustrated how similar we all are….and with that, we created one less bias.

In all-it was a home run!

Here is Min’s Shanghai Dumplings-you can find all of the ingredients at your local grocery store:

In a large bowl mix together (preferably with your hands)
1. 1 lb ground pork
2. 1 small bag (1/2 pound) of fine shredded coleslaw
3. 1/2 lb baby shrimp (cut them into pieces if they aren’t small enough)
4. 1/4 Cup of Sherry or cooking wine
5. Ginger root juice-smash some fresh ginger with the back of a knife and then squeeze the juice into the bowl
6. 2 tsp Salt (or one chicken bullion cube
7. 2 T soy sauce
8. 1 T sugar
9. 1 T sesame oil
10. Won ton wraps (you will need to trim the edges to make them round for dumplings)

Making the dumpling:
Take a tsp of filling and put in the middle of the wrapper. Fold the wrapper in half. Dip your finger into water and use the water to seal the dumplings.

To Cook:
Boil water
Put dumplings into the water and cook until they puff up-about two minutes.

Let me know how they turn out.

With respect:
Deb

Dr. Crumbley’s interview on Adoption, the Movie make me think about the lack of role models for children of color and how Caucasians may not be aware of the insidious inferiority complex that comes from when they compare themselves to what is the standard of beauty in the United States.

It is true that some children’s programs do have multi-cultural and multi-racial casts we still have a long way to go to bring those casts and characters to the level they need to be in order to level the playing field by eliminating biases and stereotyping.

However, as Frances Kai-Hwa Wang wrote on
, young APAs still yearn for heroes and positive role models; we are still playing “Spot the Asian” in the media.

We are not only playing “Spot the Asian”, we are playing “Spot the person of color”.
In fact, a TV commercial for Chuck E. Cheese-that self proclaimed
bastion of multi-culturalism seems to have forgotten to add black children (there was a token Asian and a smattering of Hispanic kids)to the spot! OOPSIE!

I might not have noticed this if I 1) was not raising a child of color or 2) had not read Ms. Wang’s article.

Part of our job in eliminating bias and preventing bullying is to NOTICE and then RESPOND when we see things that further stereotypes. So, watch out Chuck E. Cheese, here we come.

What are you going to do?

With respect and celebration,
deb

We just finished watch “Quest for Dragons” on the History Channel, so when I came across little story it really made me laugh. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Like Dragons?

Girl #1: Rhinos have two horns.
Girl #2: I thought they had one, like a unicorn.
Girl #3: Aren’t unicorns extinct?

–Kenai, Alaska

via Overheard at the Beach, May 26, 2007

I hope everyone had a safe and happy July 4th.

Despite intermittent rain, we spent the day at a pool party. There were about a dozen kids having a great time splashing around and moving from the hot tub to the pool. Pedistrian kid stuff for July 4th.

At one point, the kids were all in the hot tub-eleven blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids and one Asian girl-my daughter. They started to compare their summer tans. Needless to say the blondes were on the pale side of tan. My daughter, on the other hand, gets quite dark.

That is when something amazing happened! As the kids started to even hint that darker skin was not desirable, my daughter piped up and said “just think if all the flowers were the same color-that would be so boring. Its the same with people. Our differences make the world interesting.” Then she proceeded to organize the kids on a ‘color hunt’ in the flower garden. They were able to pick out dozens of colors-including several shades of blue from one hydranga bush. She had made her point.

Needless to say, I was bursting with pride. The other parents looked on in amazement at the entire exchange. First of all, they were surprised the kids started the skin color conversation! Secondly, the ease in which my daughter handled the question and then the live example was a great sight to see.

Then I thought about some of my own rantings on this blog. Sometimes, I seem santimonious and for that I apologize. That is not my intent. My intent is to raise our collective consciousnesses to embrace the fact that we can do something about bias and racism-and it only helps our kids deal with the world around them.

When we do it right-or even if we just try-the results are amazing.

What did your kids do to amaze you on July 4th?

With respect and celebration,
Deb

Whenever something irritates my friend, Johnny, he says “that really chaps my a–! And that describes how I felt last night at a local carnival.

I witness something that made more than my buttocks chap! I think my whole body was vibrating in anger!

Here’s the scene:

The carnival was crowded and kids were being asked to double and triple up on the “Sizzler” which had quite a line. No problem, right? That is a reasonable request. Some my crew got into the seat (which easily accommodated three kids).

Of course, not everyone could follow the rules? One mom had two girls on the ride-each in their own car! The attendant didn’t notice as he was busy getting everyone strapped in (the girls had already been on the ride).

When the ride ended everyone got off the ride-some kids wanted to ride again and so queued up again. Not the girls, though. Their mother was screaming from the sidelines-”stay on, stay on”. When the girls made a move to ride together the screaming (and I mean screaming) continued-”don’t move,” the mom shouted above the din.

This time the attendant did see the girls-first in separate cars and then realized that they hadn’t gotten off and were riding again-even though the line was snaking around the corner with other kids (including mine)who were waiting. As the attendant approached the girls, he politely asked them to get off and get back on the line if they wanted to ride again-the same rule that applied to
everyone else in at the ride.

Well, you would have thought that their mother had been stung by a bee-she literally leaped over the fence and started screaming at the kids to stay put. The kids were frozen-they didn’t know whether to stay or get off. The mother exchanged heated words with the attendant-”why is this such a big deal-they aren’t bothering anyone. I paid my money just like everyone else.” Again, the attendant tried to explain that there were other children waiting and that kids had to get off of the ride and get back on line if they wanted to ride again-and that they had to double up if there was a line.

That is when the mother went crazy; screaming at the attendant (who, as a reminder, was doing his job). The attendant finally gave up and the girls continued to ride.

Why did this ‘chap my a–’?

It wasn’t just the display-which I found disgusting. It was the sense of entitlement that this woman demonstrated. For whatever reason, she felt that the rules did not apply to her family.

What does that mean for her kids-they will likely grow up with a sense of entitlement-to follow only the rules which apply to them-continuing the cycle.

As with all behavior that negatively effects our children and communities has to be stopped-and that buck starts and stops with us. Think about the last time you were talking on your cell phone while driving (which is illegal in several states) or ignored a restaurant’s ‘no cell phone policy’. When we think about our own behavior, and how many times we teach our kids by example that the rules don’t apply to us, we are as culpable as the lady at the carnival.

Are you vigilant in following the rules-even when it isn’t convienient-as an example to your kids?

Let’s make a committment today to break this vicious cycle!

With respect and celebration,
Deb

PS: for more kids book reviews go to As Simple As That . We would love to take a look at your favorite books, too.

Each year thousands of parents in ‘non-traditional’ families grapple with the question of the importance of stability (staying in one place for a long time) for their kids and building their racial identity.

And yes, it a lot of cases it is an ‘either or’ questions.

A look at Census data quickly will tell us the trans-racial families, i.e. multiple races represented-a Caucasian couple adopting a black baby and inter-racial racial families-two people of different races producing children- are two of the fastest growing segments of the US population.

So unless these families live in a truly multi-cultural area, someone in the family probably sticks out like a sore thumb. Which, of course, is the heart of the racial identity/stability controversy for many families.

Jaiya Johns, the author of “Black Baby, White Hands” tells the story of his childhood growing up in Los Alamos New Mexico-where he never saw another black person and only saw other people of color when he discovered nearby Native Americans.

While his childhood was happy and stable, he and his brother did not have any role black role models. They had no one in their family who could understand-really understand what was like to be black in an all white world. It took him many years of exploration and discovery to become comfortable in his own skin. If you haven’t read it, you should. You might also like ” The Color of Water” which is the story of the relationship and challenges of a family-also stable-with a black father and Caucasian Jewish mother.

But is stability enough? How do you instill a sense of someone’s racial who doens’t share skin color, background, ethnicity, etc.

If you were to look at adoption message boards today, Caucasians adopting black children are more aware of the need for their children to develop a strong sense of culture. On those boards you will lots of questions about caring for their children’s hair and skin. You might not see anything about building a racial identity.

Caucasian parents of Asian children can teach their children about Asia, but they can’t teach them to be Asian. That can only come from those who have ‘been there, done that’. Caucasian parent of children of color can understand the issues on an intellectual basis-but no matter what they do they will never have the experiences that their children of color face.

Children of mixed race often land somewhere in the middle and tend to move toward other people of color where they feel that they ‘belong’. The parent of color in that family is likely to have a better understanding of what the child needs to develop a strong racial self.

So what do you do? Do you move to Chinatown if your children is Asian and you are not? Do you move to multi-cultural neighborhood? Or do you move at all? If you are in a homogeneous neighborhood (and yes, they do still exist) what can you do to help you child of color build a racial identity when he doesn’t have any live-in role models.

Tough questions to answer to be sure and deserve careful consideration-and it is hard not to want to jump to either side of the fence or the other.

Some experts say that kids need stability above all else and the racial identity piece will take care of itself-although one would wonder how that could be. Other experts will tell you to move into a neighborhood and school where you child will be living and learning with other children of color-of course, in this scenario the parent would be the sore thumb. You would really have to ask yourself if you could raise ‘healthy’ children if you were in the minority position. Would you feel comfortable? Could you put your own biases on hold-letting kids experience ‘human kind and not just ‘our’ kind’?

Without moving, parents can try and build a network of people of color that will help their kids see how adults of color ‘are in the world’. You can fill you home with items from their culture and cultures around the world. You can travel. You can select books that portray all people realistically. A great example of this is “The Candy Store” by Jan Wahl (read the review at www.simpleasthat.com), you can educate the educators by providing ideas and solutions for how to incorporated multi-cultural/multi-racial/multi-whatever into schools and classroom.

And yes, you will have to run around town tearing down the signs for the Chinese Auction when you see them and speak up when someone belittles any group.

Whichever you chose, stability or racial identity, you are going to have to advocate, educate and take action every day to help create a world that every kid and family feels that they belong.

With a little luck maybe you can even have both!

With respect,
Deb