Little Rubina probably thought she was the luckiest girl on Earth when she was cast in the Oscar-winning movie Slum Dog Millionaire.  For sure, the experience was worth its weight in gold but she would never, ever anticipate that the experience would mean that she was worth her weight in gold.

News outlets all over the world are reporting that Rubina’s father is trying to sell her-that’s right, SELL her.  And her price has increased since Slum Dog won the award.

Of course, Rubina’s father has denied the allegations-including the one that reports he increased her price, saying she is ’special. She is an Oscar girl’.

We may never know the truth but what we do know is that the price to Rubina is incalcuable and it is potentially devastating to others as well.  

Why?

We are seeing human-trafficing splashed across the pages of our newspapers and as lead stories on other news outlets-under the guise of adoption!

Put yourself in the shoes of a child who was adopted-and who saw or heard about this story.  Can you imagine the pain that he/she may feel.  Maybe he/she would wonder whether or not he/she was bought and sold-no different than a transaction they might see in a supermarket.  No matter how secure he/she might be in your love the mere suggestion of this kind of exchange could be devastating to a child-especially one that wonders about how and why he/she came to be available for adoption.

Human trafficking is as horrendously wrong as legal and legitimate adoption is spectaularly right.  The problem is when one gets confused with the other. 

Let’s make sure that we keep them straight.  You might also consider the similarities and differences between Rubina’s situation and the ongoing Madonna/Malawi saga! 

Forget the tagline “Is it live or is it Memorex?”  The new mantra is “Is it adoption or is it human-trafficking?”

Whatever you decide,  you are going to have to tell your kids.

With Respect,

Deb

Earlier this month Saturday Night Live parodied Angelina Jolie and Madonna’s family formation tactics

This SNL skit really bugged me.  Adoption is not about ’saving the world one tiny exotic baby at a time’ it is about forming loving families.  I truly hope that the Jolie-Pitt kids and Madonna’s son never see their parents parodied like this.  Kids don’t want to be rescued, they want to be LOVED.

Can you imagine how the kids would feel if they saw these ‘funny’ skits? And even if the kids knew the score what message do these kinds of satire send to other kids about adoption and the children who join their families via adoption.

How would you feel?

How would your kids feel?

Think about that.

With Respect,

Deb

www.adoptingsmart.com

We recently had the opportunity to foster a lovely little dog named Bessie.  Bessie is a sweet lab mix who was rescused from a ‘kill’ shelter in South Carolina and by Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund.

While we weren’t responsible for finding Bessie her ‘forever’ family, we were naturally interested in helping Last Chance finding a great home for her.  When one of our acquaintances expressed interest in her we were quite pleased.

My excitement dimmed when the acquaintance grilled me about Bessie.  “Ok,” I reasoned, “this is normal.”  But as the questioning continued, I became increasingly uncomfortable.  It seemed to me that the prospective owners were looking for the ‘perfect’ dog.

As the parent of a child of adoption, this plucked every string and even reminded me of a conversation I had with my daughter’s pediatrician when I recieved her initial paperwork.  In the pictures, my daughter appeared to have crossed eyes.  When I questioned-perhaps even grilled-the doctor she sternly reminded me that there was no such thing as a ‘perfect’ child-biological or adopted.

It strikes me that parents who choose adoption seem to think that they are entitled to some kind of guarantee that is not available to parents who grow their families biologically.  In the words of a kindergarten teacher, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”.  Right?

Isn’t all parenthood-at its core-a leap of faith?   

Sure a guarantee would be great, but if that is what you are waiting for-good luck with that!

With Respect,

Deb

PS: Check out Adopting Smart for more great adoption information!

bessie

I would like to have been a fly on the wall when Madonna was told that her plan to adopt a little girl named Mercy was being put on hold.  Apparently, the Malawi courts weren’t willing to bend their adoption laws this time around.

Hooray for the Malawi courts for standong up to Madonna’s star power and enforcing their adoption requirements. It is nice to know that the rules do apply to everyone-even celebrities.

While the Malawi courts used their residency requirements to delay Madonna’s plan there is another factor at work.  Little Mercy has family members who are willing and able to take care of her-in Malawi.  To be sure, Madonna-the Ultimate Material Girl-will be able to provide Mercy with incredible opportunities. But is that enough of a reason to allow the adoption to go through?

Most thinking people would agree that it is best for children to be raised by their biological parents-even if those parents aren’t Madonna-like.  But what happens if the child can’t be raised by his/her biological parents?  Those same thinking people would probably agree that in the event that the child’s biological parents are not available and there are no other family members to care for the child that adoption is a viable and positive option.  But what happens when there are family members ready, willing and able to care for the child but without the benefits of international celebrity and riches?  What, then, is in the ‘best interest’ of the child?

The best option for little Mercy just may be staying with her remaining family in Malawi despite the dramatically different lifestyle she would have.

This concept is quite difficult for us to consider.  We ask ourselves “how could she be better off in an impoverished country when she could have all of the opportunities that Madonna’a lifestyle could provide her with?” 

Frankly, that is just arrogance speaking.  We assume that our way is the right way and that everyone would be better off if they did things our way. 

But our way isn’t always the best way.  We have to remember that for every opportunity that Madonna can provide for Mercy, she also takes important ones away. 

If Mercy leaves Malawi as Madonna’s daughter she loses as much as she gains. And the things she loses can not be replaced by any material girl.

I hope that Mercy stays with her family in Malawi and leads a happy and healthy life-which is just what I want for my daugther.  Isn’t that what you want for your kids!

With Respect,

Deb

How do you feel when you look at these powerful images of things that can’t be recovered? 

With luck, they will make you stop and think of the things we can recover.  Today would be a great day to reach out to someone who has been on your mind but for whatever reason you have been hesitant to connect with.  

Real friends can always be recovered-either spiritually or physically.  What a great lesson to teach your children.

With Respect,

Deb

It has been a long time since we have been blogging.  We have Facebooked, MySpaced and Twittered.  We have even traveled to Asia and back.  But blogging? No way.  No how.

 But now, we are back.  A little older.  A little wiser.  Even a little humbler.

Using your feedback, we are going to continue to do what we did well and can what didn’t work.  We are going to try and inject some more humor and take ourselves less seriously.  Sure, we are still going to spark controversy where we can just to keep things lively.  You can count on us for that. 

We will cover a range of topics-adoption, bullying, character education, racism, diversity, bias, education, family, and culture to name a few through our unique filter. 

Yes, we are going to help provide you some cool tools to help you navigate the sometimes stormy waters of parenting, with a view toward raising confident, hip and resilient kids ready to inherit their place in a global world. 

So thanks for hanging in there while we got ourselves together.

And by the way, don’t forget to check out www.adoptingsmart.com!  You-or someone you know will be glad that you did!

With Respect,

Deb

In yesterday’s Wall Street Journal, there was an article on the front page of the Personal Journal about the relationship between fashion labels and bullying.

Not only do the kids need to have designer clothes to be safe from teasing from other girls-they have to be the right designers! I guess I wasn’t surprised that designer clothes were important statements for kids-I caved in and bought my daughter a pair of UGG boots when the knock off pair didn’t make the grade. What surprised me is the hierarchy of designer duds.

Of course, this in not being helped by the fact that more and more designers are -targeting young girls and girl-to-girl bullying is growing at an alarmingly fast rate. One-third of middle school girls surveyed answered “yes” when they were asked if they had been bullied due to the clothes that they wear.

Many of us use our clothing to reflect how we see ourselves, but as adults we are much less affected (hopefully) by the criticism of others. Many of us have been able to find our sense of style-eclectic, traditional, hip or whatever and live with it.

Our daughters don’t have the luxury of the same point of view. What they wear matters-even in elementary school and becomes a point of differentiation and potential ridicule.

While the brain pool contemplates why fashion is so important to girls’ identities parents are faced with the consequences of fashion bullying.

Beyond lobbying your school for a uniform (a parents dream and a fashionista girl’s nightmare) there are some things you can do:
1. acknowledge that fashion bullying exists-especially for girls

2. Look at the images of fashion in the media-from Angelina’s mom and daughter
matching Chanel bags to Lourdes’ (Madonna’s girl) Juicy Couture sweatsuit.
See what happens to the children who aren’t dressed in designer duds-what
is their race, socio-economic background, etc. Do you and your daughter see any patterns?

3. If it is feasible, get a few designer pieces and help your child
accessorize the pieces she has. It is said that the women in France-arguably among the chicest in the world have a few fabulous outfits and know how to tie a scarf 100 ways.

4. help your child develop her own sense of fashion-what looks good on her
how does she feel when she wears certain clothes, capitalize on what
she thinks she looks good in.

5. Set an example by showing your daughter that you are comfortable with
your style-whatever it is. If you “need” designer clothes just because
they are designer clothes, then this might be a good time to look at that.

And always talk and listen to your kids-ask them how they feel and be supportive. A statement like “I am sorry that you feel that way” goes a lot farther than advice to ignore feelings. “Don’t worry about that” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” are some of the most self-esteem deflating statements in the world.

Remember, fashion bullying is alive and well-just like all other types of bullying and its consequences are just as real, too.

Have a great weekend.

With respect,
Deb

Jenny Bowen got the most amount of votes in the race to carry the Olympic torch in Beijing in 2008.

Of course, the final decision will be made by a committee in China but it is pretty amazing that Jenny and her organization, Half the Sky, have made such an impression. If, in fact, that Jenny and eight kids from the orphanages that Half the Sky supports gets to run, the impact for the kids in orphanages in China will be enormous.

While many people in and around adoption from China continue to fret over the length of the wait for their children and the implications of the new requirements for parents, the Half the Sky Foundation is focused on the children who remain in China’s orphanages. They supply much needed support to the children and the facilities who are waiting for their ‘forever families’ including ‘Granny’s’ to love and hold them, schools, and playgrounds.

Jenny Bowen and her team have done a remarkable job at working with the government in China to take care of the kids in China.

Maybe if Jenny and the kids do run, it will not only raise awareness for the children in China, but for kids in need all over the world.

Whatever happens, my hat’s off to Jenny and the people that have made this happen. I am proud to be a part of it.

With Respect,
Deb

Yesterday, I voted for Jenny Bowen, the founder of Half the Sky-an organization dedicated to making the lives of children living in orphanages better-to carry the Olympic Torch.

Jenny, an American, lives and works in Beijing. She said she will run with eight Chinese children who are orphans.

On many levels this is a wonderful thing-it raises awareness for the kids who are left behind in China’s orphanages, the publicity could help Half the Sky raise money which could help more children, its a great image of international co-operation and it is great showcase for adoption.

Today, I read some of the comments on the site. There are some people that think Jenny is ‘cheating’. They question how she could have gotten so many votes in a short period of time. Indeed, her votes nearly doubled in less than 24 hours and it appears she is closing in on the leader.

This is a perfect example of the power of the internet-adoption groups-representing thousands of families formed via adoption-all over the world are being rallied to Jenny’s side.

Of course, in many cases the rank and file Chinese citizen is not privvy to groups, blogs and other lightning fast communciation tools. It is easy to see where the idea that Jenny was cheating could come from.

So, is Jenny’s selection really a good thing? I am certainly not as sure as I was yestday. I wonder how we would react if a Chinese citizen had carried the torch in Atlanta or Salt Lake City? I suspect there would be outrage that one of ‘our own’ got supplanted by someone who was not a citizen. Should Jenny win, what impact will it really have on international relations? on adoption?

The Chinese have a long tradition of saving face. How will they handle the international public scrutiny on their adoption policies. Not only will the world comment on what happens to China’s children, but the Chinese themselves will be made aware of just how many kids are leaving the country or languishing in orphanages. Much of this information has been kept from rank and file Chinese citizens.

So, like most complex questions there are positives and negatives. I know which way I am leaning. Maybe the eight kids representing all the children in the orphanages should carry the torch…

What do you think?

With Respect,
Deb

Please take a minute and vote for Jenny Bowan to carry the Olympic Torch in Beijing. Jenny is the founder of the Half the Sky Foundation which is dedicated to the children in China that are still in orphanages. The program has done some incredible things-increased the number of foster parents, improved orphanage conditions dramatically, provided education and medical care. In short, this organization is performing miracles. We would love to see Jenny represent the orphans of China-usually girls. They are a group that is often forgotten. Please vote for Jenny today-and pass this onto anyone you think might be interested.

Vote here:http://pub1.chinadaily.com.cn/olympics/torch/members.shtml?mid=212

Good Monday morning and welcome to October. October is a busy month-the Supreme Court begins its sessions today, harvest festivals begin popping up all over the country,kids gear up for Halloween-second only to Christmas in terms of retail sales.
Beijing is choosing their Olympic torch bearer and people all over the world put their own unique spin on the transition from summer to autumn.

We celebrated Asian Mid-Autumn festival last night-albeit a few days late-we ate moon cakes (we liked the winter melon the best), the kids made dumplings and we ate delicious, homemade and authentic Chinese food. Seated at our table were three Shanghai natives, one girl who’s mom is Chinese and her father white, one woman born in Uruguay, a couple of plain old Americans of European ancestry and a girl who joined her family via adoption from China.

It was quite exciting-people speaking in Chinese and Spanish, the kids trying to communicate with the the non-English speaking group, the English-speaking rolling Chinese words around on their tongues, and the non-English speakers doing the same with English. Of course, there was plenty of Spanish thrown in to the mix.

As I was shooed out of my kitchen when the Shanghaiense women took over, I was able to sit back and watch the show. Not once did I hear the kids-or adults-become frustrated by the difficulty in communication. Not once did I hear anything about the ‘unusual food’. The kids-and adults-listened in awe as they were told the story of the Mid-Autumn festival communicated in Chinese, Spanish, English, and pantomime.

Of course, there were some goofs-we forgot to treat the older women with the respect they deserved. We should have seated them at the head of the table-but everyone sat down willy-nilly. But in general, we managed the evening without international incidents.

We were lucky to truly bring authentic experiences to our children. It broadened their horizons and gave them insight into a distinctly different cultural experience.

With more of these kinds of experiences the kids (and their adults) will truly be able to understand and respect culture, choices and ‘abilities’. We are five kids closer to a bully-free future!