The 2008 Olympic Games are less than a year away-and the Chinese are getting ready to show the world what they are made of.

Of course, simply holding the Games in Beijing means it open-season on China-bashing. Whether human rights, unyielding poverty in the rural areas or China’s contribution to global warming-everyone has an opinion. Even ESPN is getting into the act with an article titled The Bamboo Curtain
(http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=bamboocurtain.

The story chronicles the authors drive from Beijing to Chengdu (the same approximate distance from New York to Dallas). Not surprisingly, he comes away realizing that for all of the benefits the coming Olympics is bringing to the cities the rural areas are literally watching the world go by. The revenue and opportunities that await Chinese cities are non-existent in the countryside.

But whatever the benefit to China, there are also trade-offs. As Chinese cities are bulldozed to make way for Olympic venue and other ‘modernization’ projects, traditional ways of life in China are threatened. Hutongs-the alleys between court-yard dwellings-and a visual and important image of ‘old China’ are being torn down to make way for modern structures. It is interesting that this important piece of Chinese tradition and culture survived Mao’s cultural revolution may not survive the Olympics!

The seeming demise of “Old China” saddens me. I am all for progress, but I yearn for a way to preserve the old ways in the process. Is the world becoming homogenized in the name of progress, or do we simply need to let traditions pass under the noise of cranes and tractors.

Yes, all people are created equal and we need to treat each other with respect and dignity, but the differences are just as important. Without traditions and culture and history we are simply automotons-driven to make money without regard to the things we are giving up.

It is also interesting that in the US we have a ‘back to the basics’ movement of sorts. You can see evidence of this in Martha Stewart’s success and publication like “Real Simple” continued ad page growth in an otherwise abysmal advertising climate.

As the parent of young lady born in China, I am hoping to connect her to Chinese culture and tradition of the old China as well as pride in the new China. I just hope there will be an ‘old’ China for her to see.

With Respect
Deb

My daughter-who is 7-has been begging me for a cell phone. Apparently, all of her friends have cell phones. I would like to know who they are calling during the day when they are at school and/or camp-but that is a different story.

I have repeatedly told my daughter that I will not consider a cell phone for her until she is older/and or is going places on her own-for safety. Of course, this doesn’t stop the crying about why she is the only one without a cell phone-she is also the only one without an in-ground pool and a pony, too, so the cell phone crisis is more acute because it seems so available.

But, that is not the story. As she was begging, she asked me when my mother had gotten me my first cell phone. I then clued her in to life in the Dark Ages, before cell phones, computers, 1000 TV channels, video games and other ‘must haves’ for today’s kids.

She was shocked. She wanted to know how we spent out time-and what we did to keep boredom at bay.

But she was really concerned about the insurmountable dilemnas associated with not having a cell phone would cause. “How,” she cried, “could you text message?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. First, I have never sent a text message. Secondly, she was just devastated by the idea that the world once existed without this kind of technology.

I relate this story for two reasons-it is truly entertaining. More importantly, it showed me just how much my daughter wants to fit in with her friends.

By and large, her friends come from wealthy families and want for nothing (except, perhaps their parent’s attention) and she wants what they want-without having to give up the time she spends with me).

She is also acutely aware that she is one of the only-Asians, adoptee, single parent family with a working mom.

The inability to have a cell phone just hits a little too close to home. Of course, I could get her a cell phone, but that would only put a band-aid on the real issue-her self-esteem. My job as I see it is two-fold. One is to make myself obsolete-independence is a wonderful gift for children. The second is to do what I can to help her navigate her place in the world. A world in which she can be considered different on several fronts.

To combat this, we work hard to accept and respect other cultures, races, choices and traditions. We actively seek out friends of all shapes, sizes, and colors. We talk about judging people by the way they look or talk-or anything else that makes them different than we are. It is a conscious effort-and it does take work, because for me, it meant that I had to put aside my biases and re-focus my view of the world.

Kids will not make the judgements of “good” or “bad” until we tell them what good or bad is. Young kids, in particular, are incredibly accepting. We are trying to expose ourselves to all different kinds of people (some even without cell phones).

My daughter is being raised to believe that different is just different not better or worse.

How are your kids being raised?

With respect,
Deb

Another adoption scandal in making news this week. A woman in Florida is accused of terribly mistreating 11 kids and disabled adults that she had adopted over the last decade-all while bilking the system for $3 million dollars. To make matters worse,as she was cruelly humiliating the children of adoption, she was she was showering her one biological child with love, attention and material goodies-alleged to be funded in part by the money that was supposed to be used to raise the children she adopted.

But is the real story about adoption? Or, did she happen upon a way to circumvent the system to the tune of $3 million? Was she just after the money? Or did she want to abuse kids? Perhaps adoption was the facilitator to her money-making scheme. After all, robbing a bank or embezzling from an employer might be more work.

We may never know the real answers to these questions, but we do know that yet another negative adoption story-that may not even be about adoption-reinforces many of the stereotypes that we have about adoption.

Many prospective adoptive parents fear that they will not be able to love their child of adoption as they would a biological child. Reading this horrendous story-conspicuously reported without speculation on other reasons-plays right into that fear-and may even discourage parents from adopting (unless they want the money!). It also ‘reminds’ people that families formed by adoption are at best ‘flawed’.Couple that with the difficulty that the foster care systems that are already inundated with children they are struggling to find a home for and you get lots of kids without homes and more cemented and inaccurate biases against adoption, families formed through adoption and children of adoption.

The usual outcry from the adoption community is that the media never covers ‘good’ adoption stories-which is true. Unfortunately ‘good’ stories don’t sell papers and magazines. For whatever reason, we like controversy and we like the horror stories. If we didn’t the media would write about other things.

Still, this misses the point. The media-and all of us-need to question what this woman’s (and others like her) motives are/were. If we dig a little deeper, we may find out that it is about the adoption system rather than about adopting children. The kids were merely a means to a very profitable end. By giving them nothing she was able to lavish her biological son with rewards.

As usual, Tom Cruise’s famous line in Jerry McGuire, “show me the money” is likely where the real story-albeit probably less likely to sell papers-is.

Until we change what really needs changing-the system-we will continue to reinforce negative stereotypes and biases about adoption and the families who are touched by adoption.

Those biases don’t do us or our kids any good. Make sure that when you talk about family formation with your kids-you focus on the reality and not the hype. Nip the biases in the bud and we can level the playing field for all families.

With Respect,
Deb

An article in http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1647452-4,00.html Time questions whether or not we have become ‘anti-boy’?

Are our boys achieving less than girls? Are they more discouraged by global economics that they have retreated into their rooms, spending hour after hour getting fat and playing video games?

We aren’t surprised to read that girls out-perform boys in school,more boys drop out of school than girls and their reading levels are sub-standard. More girls than boys take the SATs, go to college or express passion for learning.

Christina Hoff Sommers, a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, puts all of the pieces together and comes up with the notion that both the schools and popular culture are “failing boys, leaving them restless bundles of anxiety–misfits in the classroom and video-game junkies at home.” She goes further, saying “boyhood is toxic: as a pathology.”

Clearly, being functionally illiterate is a huge obstacle for later success-how can anyone, male or female get a job without learning to read? Not many.

So what can we do? First, recognize that there is, in fact, a problem. Second, we must shift our resources into spending time with our kids-the more the better.

But this is not a license to micro-manage your kids. In fact, many speculate that it is the lack of “boyhood basics” like competitions, adventures, belonging to groups and mentors that boys need-a need that some believe have remained constant for hundreds of years-that is the root of the problems boys are having.

Apparently, boys need ’structured freedom’ and the opportunity to compete for or against something in order to feel good about themselves. Does that mean that these needs are in male DNA code? Or a we just looking for a justification for our boys falling behind girls-a position that they most certainly would not like?

I am the parent of a girl. I have rearranged my life to be around while she is growing up. I try and give her the freedom she needs-without compromising her safety. She likes to compete-and hates to lose. And yes, she is a passionate learner.

But is that because the schools and society are giving her more attention somehow? Is she just naturally a smart and connected kid? Am I a super-mom?

Much as I would like to think that I am the best mom on the planet, I know better. My daughter has an eviable passion for life and learning that is enhanced by the opportunities that surround her.

Why shouldn’t our boys have the same experience? And why are we creating yet another divide or ‘ism’ in our society at a time when we should be looking for solutions to much bigger problems.

With Respect,
Deb

If you are not convinced that the books you select for your kids-either for them to read or for you to read to them-are an important element in shaping their values and world view, then you must not remember Cinderella’s story-you know the one-the one where she gets her prince and everything ends up happily ever after. Or you might not recall how many boys wanted to be just like Superman, Batman, Spiderman or any other hero. These characters were powerful role models for us and remain powerful role models for our kids.

The books you choose for your kids can reinforce or erase the values that you are trying to instill in them. If you want your daughter to aspire to be a princess with a prince to take care of her, then you are great with Cinderella stories. If you want her to get a more realistic picture of the world, you should consider adding other books to your library.

All mediums have power. For some reason if we see it in a book, in a newspaper or on TV we assume that it must be real and true and unfortunately this extends to the ads as well. So if you want your kids to learn to accept and respect others-and to realize that there are other kinds of people living in the world with them then you will want to expand their horizons.

Early exposure to diverse people and ideas doesmake a difference. Kids who are the beneficiaries of this exposure are statistically less likely to become bullies, be bullied or allow anyone else to be bullied. With this kind of skill set-the ability to judge people on their merits and not their look, language, smell etc. your kids will have a much higher chance of long term success.

And it can all start with books!

Each month, we will review a book that we think does the job. You can look at these books at simpleasthat.com.

Today, we are reviewing, Shapesville

Five friends-Robbie (the red rectangle), Cindy (the yellow circle), Sam (the blue square), Daisy (the orange diamond) and Tracy (the green triangle) discuss their differences and celebrate what makes each of them unique. While we are partial to real world examples the message that it is not what you look like—shape, size, color etc. that truly matters. The rhyming text and simple illustrations using bold primary colors is a winner with children.

Do you have any favorites that help you instill and reinforce values in your kids-without hitting them over the head, of course.

Let me know.

With Respect,
Deb

Parents in Tennessee were ordered to reliquish custody of their Chinese-born daughter to her birth parents.

Just reading those words can send shivers down the spines of even the most secure adoptive parent. But when you know the rest of the story-that the child had been in foster care in US because her birthparents lost their income and medical insurance and did not understand that they were potentially giving up their custodial rights. They just thought they could leave her in foster care until they got back on their feet.

Seven year later, the young girl-who has lived with the Tennessee couple-will be returned to her birthparents by the end of July. The judge ruled that the birthparents did not understand the consequences of their actions and in fact, had been fighting for her since they put her into foster care.

Some people are outraged-how can rip away all that the girl has come to know? How can the seperate her from the ‘parents’ who raised her for the last seven years? Many wonder what the long-term consequences of the decision on the child.

At the end of the day, this girl belongs with her parents-in this case the ones who brought her into this world. In fact, all children are better off if they are raised by their birthparents and in their birth-culture if it is possible.

Now, this doesn’t mean adoption is wrong and that all children of adoption should be returned to their birthparents. Far from it. What it means is that we better make darn good and sure that the children who are available for adoption, are, in fact, available for adoption. No glitches in the system should be acceptable.

The heartache and heartbreak that everyone in the Tennessee situation went through is enormous and has to be eliminated-not just in this case but for all adoptions.

It is stories like this-that make national headlines-that reinforce the negative stereotypes about adoption. In this case, it also reinforces stereotypes and myths about Chinese people and their acceptance in this country.

Adoption, like racism, sexism, ageism etc is just another divide-another way for people to seperate themselves from others-and not in a positive way.

We have to stop all the ‘isms’. We have to get our kids on a level playing field-no matter what they look like, where they come from or how they joined their families.

Let’s do the right thing…starting right now.

With respect and celebration,
Deb

We are well into day three of Asian Culture camp. It is about 80 degrees with 100 percent humidity. The weather was horrendous-a five mile drive took 2 1/2 hours.
It wasn’t pretty.

But all of the camper and their parents straggled in-all telling their own version of traffic hell. Little did they know-or care-that almost every one else had the exact same story.

Don’t get me wrong, it took me three hours to get here….but I didn’t feel the need to tell my story-it took everyone a long time, everyone was wet and everyone was sweaty. There was some comfort (although misery does love company, I suppose) in knowing we were all in the boat together.

Since we had plenty of time in the car to chat, I asked my daughter what she liked best at camp. She said, my friends, cooking and culture (she likes culture because the teacher always gives them candy). She didn’t mention that she felt comfortable in a group of Asian girls and boys, so I asked her if it felt good to have so many kids around her that looked like her.

After she stopped rolling her eyes and sighing she informed me that it didn’t matter that the kids were all from Asia, ‘what matters is that we all have fun.’

I wonder if by leveling the racial/ethnic playing field helped the kids simply relax and have fun.

What would happen if everyone felt the same way.

This week my daughter attends ‘culture camp’. Culture camp is a week long cultural immersion program for kids who joined their families through adoption from Asia. She has ‘camp’ friends-girls and boys she sees once a year-and they pick up from where they left off the year before.

Believe me, this is not a very glamorous camp. It takes place the third week of July-which is inevitably the hottest week of the year. The camp takes place in a church which is not air-conditioned and is a bit smelly. The kids go through seven or eight ‘periods’ each day. They cook, take language and dance classes, Tae Kwon Do, Arts and Crafts and music.

It is one of the few places that my daughter blends into the crowd. Frankly, I think the environment where all the kids have dark hair, almond-shaped eyes and joined their families throught adoption that is the appeal-and what keeps the kids coming year after year.

I have thought about how she must feel being one of the ‘onlies’-only child, only Asian, only adopted kid etc, but since I have not lived those feelings, I can only experience it intellectually.

Today, I was looking for her in the music class and got a more viceral experience.

The kids were sitting in the chapel with their backs to me and were all wearing yellow t-shirts (it was picture day). I had a moment of panic when I could not pick her out of the crowd. I couldn’t believe it. She is my child. I know what she looks like. But the pony-tailed, yellow shirted girls all looked alike.

I had to walk to the front of the room, to spot my daughter.

This experience made me wonder what my daughter sees when she is looking for me in a sea of Caucasians. It also reminded me what it feels like to be a minority-if only for a week.

Are you in situations where your kids are in the majority most of the time, or do they struggle to ‘fit in’ to our Caucasian standards.

It makes you think.

With Respect,
Deb

I have never really considered myself a lucky person. In fact, one of my mentors was perennially frustrated because he thought that I alway saw the glass as half full.

But, today I think my glass is at lesat 3/4 of the way to full!

One of the issues for people raising children of a different race is providing authentic role models. After all, if you are white and your child is Chinese, you can teach him about China, but you can’t teach him how to be Chinese. You may have an intellectual understanding of what a child of color might experience, but you would never really know what implications the child’s race or ethnicity has-simply because your experience in the world has not prepared you.

Today, my daughter is splashing in a pool with LuLu. LuLu has been in the US (from Shanghai)for four of her 13 years. LuLu’s mom is my daughter’s Chinese language and culture teacher. When Min offered to send her daughter to be a mother’s helper a few days a week, I was estatic-and not just because my daughter would be out of my hair for a few hours-she would have role model. A Chinese teen, born in China and living in a Chinese family.

My daughter took to LuLu right away and I heard Lulu teaching my daughter some Mandarin and practicing what she already knew. LuLu taught her the character for horse-and then played Monopoly with her. They were chatting away like old friends.

I believe that my daughter is starved for friends of color, role models and experiences that I can’t give her. I am not exaggerating. Nor am I downplaying my role as her parent. I am just facing up to the fact that as much as I love her I can’t provide it all.

Beside her immediate attraction to LuLu, my daughter surprised me by listing her ‘best friends’ the other day. The are: Delaney (adopted from China); Ping (adopted from China) Kendra (adopted from Cambodia) and Pablo (born in El Salvador).

I was surprised those were her choices-I was expecting the parade of the WASPs.

But her choices tell me a lot about what she is processing now.

So, as you look to raise great kids, don’t overlook the importance of developing friends of all shapes, colors and sizes. You don’t have to feel awkward in ‘targeting’ people-after all, if you were a single woman, you might ‘target’ single moms to engage.

Get your kids used to dealing with people from everywhere, in every color in the rainbow. It might be one of the most important thing you do for your kids!

With Respect and Celebration,

Deb

Since everyone, everywhere has to eat a great way to get kid jazzed about cultures other than there own is to cook food from different cultures with them! Before you go screaming into the hills-it is not necessary to be a gourmet chef to cook with your kids. It does take a little planning, though.

When you cook anything with kids, you have to follow some basic rules:
1. Your kitchen and everything in it will be dirty

2. The recipes have to be kid-friendly-they will get bored and cranky if there are too many steps or the recipe is complicated.

3. The kids have to be ‘hands-on’ with the entire process.

4. You will probably end up cleaning the kitchen yourself while the kids slink off to watch TV.

5. To really be fun for kids-and less frustrating for you-have everything you
will need close at hand.

Last night we made jiaoze (Chinese dumplings). It was a messy and fun experience-and the dumplings were delicious. It gave us the opportunity to talk about dumplings from all over the world-ravioli, pirogi, kreplach, etc. Everyone was amazed at how many people ate dumplings. It really illustrated how similar we all are….and with that, we created one less bias.

In all-it was a home run!

Here is Min’s Shanghai Dumplings-you can find all of the ingredients at your local grocery store:

In a large bowl mix together (preferably with your hands)
1. 1 lb ground pork
2. 1 small bag (1/2 pound) of fine shredded coleslaw
3. 1/2 lb baby shrimp (cut them into pieces if they aren’t small enough)
4. 1/4 Cup of Sherry or cooking wine
5. Ginger root juice-smash some fresh ginger with the back of a knife and then squeeze the juice into the bowl
6. 2 tsp Salt (or one chicken bullion cube
7. 2 T soy sauce
8. 1 T sugar
9. 1 T sesame oil
10. Won ton wraps (you will need to trim the edges to make them round for dumplings)

Making the dumpling:
Take a tsp of filling and put in the middle of the wrapper. Fold the wrapper in half. Dip your finger into water and use the water to seal the dumplings.

To Cook:
Boil water
Put dumplings into the water and cook until they puff up-about two minutes.

Let me know how they turn out.

With respect:
Deb