Eyes are the window of the soul.

And we also look at a person’s eyes and immediately assess what their race is. We automatically assume that a person with almond-shaped eyes is Asian. (By the way, rarely to Asians describe their eyes as almond-shaped. When asked the difference between their eyes and others, they are much more likely to refer to differences in color.)

Sometimes, Asian kids are teased because they have almond-shaped eyes. One Chinese woman recently told me that almond-shaped eyes are considered a sign of beauty as they are the same shape of the phoenix!

But looks can be deceiving.

Look carefully at Anjelina Jolie’s and Ben Affleck’s eyes. They are all beautifully almond-shaped-and I don’t think any of them are Asian!

The ‘take away’ for our kids is ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ or a person by the way they look. We want our kids to be able to appreciate each other. In
Families are Forever, Rain sums it up when she says,”I could see we looked different…..Our eyes were different, but we could both see. Our lips were different but we could both smile.”

So before you or your kids jump to conclusions, take a step back and remember what Rain said. You can’t go wrong that way.

With Respect,
Deb

Never one to miss the chance to ‘beat a dead horse’, even I was surprised to see the fervor which still surrounded the photo exhibit, Daddy and I by O.Zhang.

It is interesting to see how people have become experts-in photography, East-West relations, father/daughter relationships and even ESP! The flap over the appropriateness of the photos and their ‘true’ meaning’ continues unabated-particularly in the adoption community.

As of yesterday, some of the more skeevy photos were taken off of O.Zhang’s site. This morning, one adoption group member reported that the photographer had taken note of the derision the photos were causing and reacted by re-arranging her website.

I am not sure if this is the effect that is most beneficial-in the long run-for our kids. On the positive side a group of people joined together and had their voices heard. Our kids can see democracy in action which is a great thing.

However, I wonder if this is the best course of action for kids long term. Intentional or not, O.Zhang’s photos made people think about their biases and stereotypes. Some people were uncomfortable and (some oblivious, too) with the feelings that came up. It’s ok to be uncomfortable, right? Sometimes changing oneself takes time and courage. Shouldn’t we be thanking O.Zhang for pushing bias to the front burner? Isn’t owning our biases the way to keep them to ourselves and not pass them on to our kids?

Of course, it is. But like any problem, the first step is recognizing that there is a problem. Zhang’s photos forced us to remember that our biases are alive and well, albeit, deeply buried. As the old saying goes, “Da Nile, isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

The question is what are we going to to about it. Here are some thoughts:

1. Give yourself a break for feeling biases-we all do, no matter what.

2. You have a choice whether or not to pass your biases onto your children. That involves being as present and aware as you can be. When your child hears you mutter, “go faster you little old lady” when you are driving behind a senior citizen, they will pick up that there is something wrong with being old. They will file that away and pull it out when they ‘need’ to.

3. Your language matters. You have probably tried to limit your use of four-letter words around your kids, but you might not have thought about other labels that serve to cement biases. Labels like ‘illegal alien or immigrant’ are not only divisive, they are not accurate. People are in the US without paperwork-which is illegal, but people themselves are not illegal. Don’t dismiss language as ‘political correctness’ and wait for it to wane. Respectful ways to talk about people who are different than you are makes a BIG impression on your kids. It is the first step in raising kids that are respectful-and successful.

Anything that makes us stop, think and react is a good thing-especially as it relates to how we raise our kids.

While I was not so crazy about the photos-I think that they are doing a good job of making us talk about some of our racial, sexual and cultural issues.

I welcome things that make me think and challenge me to be a better parent-even if it makes me crazy.

With Respect,
Deb

Lots of talk about photographer O Zhang’s exhibit Daddy and I (http://web.mac.com/zhang_o/iWeb/Site/Daddy%20&%20I%20.html) has been bubbling up in blogs and Internet chat groups over the past week or so.

The exhibit is a series of photographs of girls who joined their families via adoption from China and their Caucasian fathers. Sounds good so far, right?

The artist’s statement about the photos indicates that he was trying to “capture the affection between a female child an an adult male”-especially when different racial and cultural groups are part of the mix. Zhang further writes, “through the relationship of the emerging feminine power of the adolescent girl to the mature father, each image explores the relation of the two often divided cultures: East and West.”

Sounds reasonable, right?

Why, then, are the photos creating such a stir? Maybe it is about the vague sense of unease we get when we look at the photos? We ask ourselves, “Are these poses appropriate for a father and daughter?” or “Are these photos suggestive?”. Are they intentionally provocative? What would your reaction be if you didn’t know they were fathers and daughters?

Our reactions are largely based on our own internal wiring and the ever present biases and stereotypes that are part of what makes us human.

And maybe, despite the photographers ’statement’ about the images, that is what the photos are supposed to do. Instead of simply exploring the relationships between fathers and daughters in a trans-racial family, the photos force us to come to grips with some long-held biases relating to older men and young girls, sexual stereotypes and the ‘right-ness’ of trans-racial families to name just a few.

Whatever the photographer’s intent, the result is that people are looking at these photos and reacting-viscerally. Some are appalled, shocked and angry. Others think that the images do show the love and respect between fathers and daughters that transcend race and culture.

But, the important thing is your reaction to the photos? Do it make you feel warm and fuzzy or creepy? Maybe you think that the brouhaha is a just another publicity stunt to help the artist sell more photos and stage more shows. Whatever, you think-the point is you did think.

Thinking is the first step to identifying our biases and stereotypes. We don’t have to get rid of them if we don’t want to. We just have to choose whether or not we want to pass them on to our kids.

Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, once said, “we need to view reality as it is and not as we want it to be.”

Bigotry and bias have no place in the 21st century-the world is too diverse-and dangerous for us not to figure out how we can find our place without stepping on someone else’s place.

And just so you know, I did think the photos were skeevy. They had a big yuck factor for me.

With respect,
Deb

Stereotypes go both ways. They can be positive, i.e. all tall men play great basketball, or negative, i.e. Chinese people can’t run fast, but they are great at sports that require skill like gymnastics or diving.

I seriously didn’t make these examples up! In fact, in the last Olympics a Chinese hurdler won a gold medal-much to the shock of the Chinese press who cautioned the home-country fans not to get too excited because the Chinese-by some genetic fluke-just can’t run as fast as other people. Imagine the surprise when that man crossed the finish line first!

Take a look at this one…and remember kids need to be taught stereotypes!

From “Overheard in NY”

Teacher: And Montana–
Asian girl, interrupting: –Wait, isn’t Montana somewhere near Germany along with Maine?

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Have a great weekend.

With Respect,
Deb

What little girl or boy can’t relate to dressing up in their parent’s clothes?

Mama’s Sari hones in on this universal experience as a mom and her seven year-old daughter select a sari for her to wear. Of course, the sari is gorgeous and the young girl begs her mother to wear it immediately. Of course, the mom relents and together they explore the traditions associated with saris.

There is a Hindi glossary that can help with the terms.

Mama’s Sari is another great example of how books can provide positive role models for kids of color and provide an introduction to a piece of Indian culture for everyone.

Do you have any favorite books, movies etc. that you want to recommend? Please don’t hesitate to let me know.

With Respect:
Deb

I confess, most of the time when I am ‘watching’ TV with my daughter, my mind is thousands of miles away. But sometimes something will penetrate the wall that I have put up and I find myself drawn to whatever is on the screen.

Today was one of those days.

We were watching the TV cartoon version of The Little Mermaid. It seems that a baby whale got separated from his parents and the Little Mermaid took him in and loved him. Whenever any kind of baby gets separated from his parents, my daughter has a visible and visceral reaction. She wanted that whale to find a family and was thrilled when the Little Mermaid took him in. Of course, the Little Mermaid was criticized by some friends for caring for and loving the whale-after all he was a whale and could make crab cakes out of dear Sebastian. Besides, he wasn’t “one of the them”.

But the Little Mermaid persevered and handle things quite well-for a mermaid. While she sang and sang about how love was all that matters I couldn’t help but think about the veracity of love conquering all.

Clearly, love is the bedrock from which our children grow and flourish, but is it really enough? I know it sounds heretical, but sometimes we just can’t love our children’s pain and issues away.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t replace my daughter’s birth parents or the pain that not knowing them causes her. I can never know what it really like to be a person of color in the US. That doesn’t mean I just walk away or shrug it off. Try as I might, I will never really understand how she feels. I used to feel badly about that but not any more. I am not a bad parent, I am a realistic one.

It means that I need to find the tools that will help her heal and to cope with the realities of her life-just like you do every day.

The world that my daughter-and your kids-are running in is quite different than the one we grew up in. Bullying is at epidemic proportions-160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of it. More and more children of color are being raised by Caucasian parents who will never understand what it is like to be a minority-let alone know how to model racial identities other than their own. Family structures have caused the definition of families to shift to accommodate the variety of families today. The list of significant differences is endless.

But some things haven’t changed-like our responsibility to help our kids navigate their unique place in the world, to provide language that doesn’t hurt others and a world view that allows them to accept and respect everyone-no matter how they may differ.

To be successful, our kids are going to have to be citizens of the world, able to deal with incredible diversity in people and experiences. You can start today-it is never too late!

Love comes first, but it not nearly enough.

With respect,
Deb

Did you read the article in a recent Wall Street Journal that announced that, based on a study conducted by Harvard professor, Dr. Robert Putnam, diversity is dead.

But is that really what Dr. Putnam said?

Not really.

What he did say was that diversity was “inevitable and desirable”. Diversity has proven to be a boon to the economy. That fact is born out by a study conducted by DiversityInc., which reports that over 300 of the Fortune 500 know that diversity is good for business and see diversity as a competitive advantage.

Studies have also revealed that diversity “fosters creativity and better and faster problem-solving.” I guess it is the ‘two heads are better than one’ theory on steroids!

At the end of the day, trying to stem the tide of diversity is like being the little boy Dutch boy with his finger in the dike. He couldn’t hold back the tides and neither can we.

And, really why would we try?

For parents there are two messages: first is a reminder that the media’s point of view-is only that-a point of view. It is the reporter’s interpretation of the world based on his or her own background listening. We all make judgements and interpretations based on our backgrounds-and we know that they aren’t always the truth. So be careful about believing everything you read or see-and help your children to realize the same. Careful evaluation of media-whatever media-will allow you and your children to glean the facts and then make your own interpretations-a hugely valuable skill for your children in our “Information Age”.

The second thing that parents can take away from this brouhaha is the realization that no matter what we do, or think,our kids do have to deal with people of every size, shape, color, and smell-and that is a GOOD THING.

As we become a more diverse society, kids who have been taught to celebrate similarities and differences can only benefit. Not only will their world view expand, they will be well on the way to a successful future.

And isn’t that our job-to prepare our kids for the future?

Incorporating diversity into your everyday lives is a daunting process. Many of us just throw in the towel, thinking that we just can’t do anything that will make a difference.

Try turning it around-what small thing can we do today that will help our kids realize that we are open to EVERYONE.

It may be as simple as pointing out an attractive person who doesn’t share any of your physical features. It could be looking for books that are fun to read but get the message across. It may mean watching TV with you child-with an eye towards pointing out biases and stereotypes.

It only takes a little push to get the ball rolling.

Consider yourself pushed!

With Respect,
Deb

I am a voracious reader. I read a variety of books, magazines and newspapers-from treasures to trash. I tend to remember bits and pieces of things that I read and then pull them out of my brain when I need them.

This happened yesterday as we wandered through the Zoo. My daughter and I were accompanied by our Shanghai-born friend, Ming and her two daughters, Lulu and Isabella. As I walked around-the sole Caucasian in our little group-people we interacted with thought Ming was the girls’ mother and I was…well, I am not sure that I what was. And, I felt self-concious. And no, I am not happy that I had that kind of reaction, but it was there, none the less.

I was reminded of Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Unfortunately, I can only remember one of the seven habits-but that is another story! One of the seven habits that Covey considers essential is the ability to see the world through someone else’s point of view in order to work, communicate and otherwise interact effectively with her.

The story he used to illustrate this took place one Sunday morning when he was in the subway in NYC. He recounts being annoyed as a father sat on the subway while his unruly children created some havoc. Covey and the family were alone in the car, so Covey decided to approach the father-partly out of concern for their safety and partly to restore peace and quiet to the subway car.

Covey got an unexpected reaction to his complaint. The father told him that the children’s mother had died an hour ago and he thought it was better for them to let off some steam than to discipline them.

Of course, there was no way Covey could have known what the man was thinking-anymore that we know what someone is thinking. Covey’s point is that we have to consider that the other person’s point of view can be quiet different from what we think it might be. Before we go off half-cocked, he suggests we consider other reasons that a person may behave in a particular way.

So, here I was-a minority in the group and getting a small taste of what my daughter might deal with. People told Ming that she was lucky to have three beautiful daughters etc, etc., etc. I found myself on the outside looking in-and I didn’t like it. I am pretty secure with my role as my daughter’s mother so, I didn’t do anything particularly stupid (I hope) to ‘claim’ my daughter as “mine”, but I did get a real idea of what she might feel like when she is the only Asian in the crowd.

It is experiences like this, which remind me that we aren’t-and shouldn’t be-color blind-but that we need to be sensitive to the biases that we bring to every situation. We really can’t assume that we know the score-unless we really know the score. We need to consider that we might be wrong about people and situations.

It also reminds me that if I was aware-and even a tad uncomfortable-as the outsider then I might have an insight into how to help my daughter when she is situations that make her an ‘outsider’.

For me, the experience was short-lived and I knew it would end when we left the environment. I hope that my daughter will have the same experience.

For today, I am going to keep Covey’s ideas on the front burner-maybe later, I will go figure out the other six habits.

Today is the day not to make assumptions about people, places and things. If I can do it today, then maybe I can continue it until it truly becomes a habit.

With respect,
Deb

In case you have been under a rock for the past five years or so, our country is undergoing a massive sea change in our demographic composition. We saw the inklings in the 2000 US Census, but the mid-term Census report is even more dramatic.

These few statistics should be enough to get you thinking about what you are doing with your kids to ensure that they are able to ‘play nice in the sandbox’ with their peers?

Take a look:
1. Within just a few years, the New York metropolitan region — which includes the nearby counties in New York, Connecticut and New Jersey — is projected to become the first large metropolitan Non-Hispanic whites are a minority

2. Asians were the only major ethnic or racial group to record population growth in
every county in the New York Metro area.

And New York is not alone:
1. Four states - California, Texas, Hawaii, and New Mexico - are already ‘majority-minority’ states.

2.Nearly one in every 10 of the nation’s 3,141 counties has a population in which multicultural groups comprise more than 50% of the total.

3. Los Angeles County’s minority population is now larger than the state populations of each of 38 states.

No matter what your kids look like, where they live or who they hang out with, one thing is for sure-the landscape isn’t going to look like it did when you were growing up. In addition to the pressures-like 24/7 communication and information-our kids face, they are going to have to be able to view people-all people for what they are about and not what they look like, where they were born or what language they speak.

Our country has shifted from the Great Melting Pot, to the Great Salad bowl. Today, each person retains his own distinct flavor-rather than try and meld and blend into a generic American. As your children develop their own unique flavor they are going to have to make sure that it can exist side-by-side with others who may have different ‘flavors’.

What we do today to help our children to understand and respect everyone is up to us.

The staple of childhood, Goldfish, has an ad with a headline that reads: How children see the world depends on what WE teach them.

There are so many opportunities to talk about what we share and how we are different from other people-you can use the 2008 Olympics to begin a conversation about China and how it has changed and what that means to us-today. You can choose books and toys, games and puzzles that show kids authentic representations of people from all over the world. You can point out that career stereotypes are just that-stereotypes, there are plenty of male nurses, secretaries and teachers as well as female doctors, engineers and deep sea divers.

The opportunity to give out kids the gift of tolerance starts now-with us.

With respect,
Deb

If I ever doubted the importance of ethnic and racial role models for children of color the events in my household yesterday was enough to change my mind forever!

I ordered my daughter-remember the girl born in China-a Karito Kids doll named Wan Ling. First of all the doll is simply beautiful and quite authentically Chinese. Secondly, the company donates a portion from the sale of each doll to a charity that kids choose and can follow. But enough about me! The real story is my daughter’s reaction.

My girl has never been much for dolls. When pushed she did get an American Girl Doll (Kaya, the American Eskimo) and she will pull her out occassionally, but she was way more interested in the horse that Kaya came with, so I was not anticipating that she would flip over Ling.

And flip she did. When she opened the package, she gasped and said, “she looks just like me.” She turned the doll over, looked at her again and began kissing her making her comfortable in her new ‘home’. She made Ling a bed, got pillows for her, changed her into pajamas. Ling even ate dinner with us last night. Shockingly, my daughter cleared out her beloved stuffed animals in her closet to make an apartment for Ling. All the while, my daughter kept looking at her and telling me how beautiful she was and how much Ling looked like her. My daughter played with that doll more in one night than she has played with any combination of dolls in seven years.

She just couldn’t get over that this doll looked like her. It really was amazing to see the reaction she had to this doll-and to reinforce how much children do need authentic-looking toys and books in their lives. The ‘look-alikes’ resonate with them and validates their images of themselves and other people of color.

Of course, that is not all of the story. When we were reading Ling’s story, my cerebral daughter noted that they were very much alike, they both loved pandas and zoos. However, when my daughter read that Ling had just relocated with her family from Chengdu to Shanghai she started to cry! Why? Because the doll and her story reminded my daughter of her life in China-one that is shrouded in mystery. She missed China. When Ling expressed her feelings of loss when her family moved, my daughter went back in time and space to a place that she can only imagine.

My daughter-while incredibly attuned to the sense of loss she feels for her birthparents and country of origin-has never quite had the same kind of reaction. It was as if Ling’s sadness somehow gave her permission to explore her own loss at a different level.

Wow, what a doll.

The importance of images of all kinds of people, places and things can not be downplayed for any children. Your children may not have the visceral reaction that my daughter did, but they will see a kid, with real issues and feeling and realize that they are more alike than different. Coupled with an authentic images and your attention to using ‘people-first’ and non-biased language, your children get a real lesson in diversity without the emotion that sometimes accompanies discussion of diversity, bias, and racism.

So, it is some doll. But without you subtly or not so subtly encouraging your children to look at the world from different points of view it might as well sit on the shelf.

Look around your home today and see what images-decor, toys, books, etc-are displayed and what isn’t displayed. Then see if you are willing to do something about it.
I know that I am constantly looking for ways to make diversity part of our lives rather than something we ‘do’. Frankly, it is easier that way.

With respect
Deb