I watched The Amazing Race for the first time last night.  I am generally not a fan of reality TV and rarely, if ever, watch these kinds of shows but I have to admit that I got pulled into the game last night and found myself rooting for Tammy and her brother Victor as they valiantly tried to jump off of a three meter diving board and hit the water at the same time. (they finally gave that up and decided to swim instead!)

This week’s episode found the contestants navigating the streets of Beijing, without benefit of a translator.  If you have ever travelled in China without a translator, you can relate to just how difficult this can be.  Difficult yes, not impossible.

The teams, with the exception of Tammy and Victor who speak Mandarin, stuggled to communicate with the various taxi drivers and others who helped get them to their destinations.  Granted, it was likely frustrating and stressful.  After all they weren’t ordinary tourists simply seeing the sights they are competing for $1,ooo,ooo. 

However, one team let that frustration bubble over into racism.

This team was visibly upset when they had difficulty communicating.  It was as if they expected a cab driver in Beijing to speak English and were pissed off to find that he didn’t-can you say Ugly American?.

I might have been able to slough this off as the stress of the game.  However, in the previews for the next week’s show was quoted as saying, “this is why I didn’t want to come to China-it sucks.”  It struck me that it under stress that we show our true colors. 

Sure, we can say the right things when we are in control but when the going gets tough our filters are strained and deeply hidden feelings and biases surface.  And yes, we Americans are arrogant.  We do expect everyone to speak English.  We do expect that things work as they do in the United States.  And when that doesn’t happen we get pissed off.  Irrational? Yes.  Arrogant? Yes.  Racist? You bet. And on national TV no less!

I am just glad that my Chinese-born daughter didn’t see this show.  And I hope that everyone realizes that the comments and attitudes of the contestants don’t reflect China or the Chinese-but they do tell a disturbing story about the contestants.  So if you see something similar while watching TV with your kids you can take a great leap forward by discussing the existence and dangers  of biases and stereotypes.  You can help break the cycle.

With Respect,

Deb

PS: here’s a tip-look for a young person when you need an English speaker in China.  Kis are taught both Mandarin and English in school!

Remember Newton’s Third Law of Motion-For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?

Well, kids in China are finding new meaning to Newton’s law. 

It seems that the ramifications of China’s one-child policy are coming home to roost as parents worry about their son’s marriage prospects.  Estimates from 2000 indicate that there are 117 boys in China for every 100 girls and most experts agree that this number is likely to increase dramatically.  The reaction to these startling statistics-parents of children of marriagble age are taking their children’s love life into their own hands.  After all, in China there are three ways to be unfilial

1. -   not produce offspring,                                                                

    2. not listening to your parents

    3. not making enough money to support your aged parents 

Given the cultual pressure to marry, worrying about a child’s prospects is practially national sport in China, but these grim statistics have many parents panicking about their kids ability to find a mate and provde them with grandchildren.

These same parents are taking drastic steps to insure their children’s futures. On a recent Sunday in Beijing, thousands of anxious parents peered at a billboard with instructions geared at helping them find a mate for their kids.  Parents of sons looking for love wore blue ribbons, parents of potential girlfriends wore red ribbons. Singles wore a tag that proclaimed-”I’m looking for you!”

Parents then exchanged information about their kids and, I suppose, hoped for the best.  Who knows what their children were doing or thinking when their parents were interviewing their prospective in-laws.

Probably trying to pretend they were lost in the park!

So the next time your kids complain that you are too involved in their lives or that you are embarassing them, remind them that you could be dating for them if the situation were different.  That ought to stop them in their tracks!

Enjoy your weekend,

Deb

Susan Boyle-Before               -Susan Boyle-After

                    Lin Miaoke-seen but not heard             Yang Peiyi, heard but not seen

 Ok, you can admit it.  When you saw Susan Boyle walk on stage you rolled your eyes and thought, “oh my God, what is she doing?”  Of course, that attitude came crashing down the minute she opened her mouth.  Like the judges-and everyone who saw Susan Boyle get on that ”Britians Got Talent” stage you let your pre-conceived ideas of what an entertainer looks like color your judgement. 

Ironically, we are the same people that reacted with distaste when we discovered that Lin Miaoke was actually lip-synching during the Opening Ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics.  Apparently, someone decided that the actual singer, Yang Peiyi, wasn’t cute enough to be seen and heard!

If, as adults, this dicotomy is diffult to grapple with imagine what it does to our kids.  We tell them not to judge people by the way they look, yet they see adults doing it all the time.  They feel our outrage when a child is penalized because she isn’t cute enough to be seen but is talented enough to be heard. Yet when Susan Boyle stands on a stage we quickly judge that she can’t be talented.

We tell our kids don’t judge books by their covers when in fact we do judge books by their covers.  If we didn’t, then publishers wouldn’t spend enormous quantities of money on designing book covers!  We also judge people by the way they look, sound, smell or other cues that may or may not indicate what they are really like or what talents lay hidden beneath the surface.  We are in fact, human.

So rather than telling our kids not to judge the proverbial book by its cover and holding them to a higher standard than we hold ourselves, perhaps we should be teaching our kids to do something that they can succeed at.  Maybe the message for our kids is to be aware of our immediate judgements-note them and then put them aside until we have had a chance to get to know the person better.

Maybe, just maybe, our kids will be able to suspend judgement-positive or negative-until they have more information.

Maybe, just maybe-we adults should try to model that behavior….or at least be consistent.  If we are appalled that Yang Peiyi didn’t get a fair shake because she wasn’t cute enough then we should be equally appalled that Susan Boyle didn’t get a fair shake initially either.

How do you model accepting and respectful behavior for your kids?

With gratitude,

Deb

 Little Rubina probably thought she was the luckiest girl on Earth when she was cast in the Oscar-winning movie Slum Dog Millionaire.  For sure, the experience was worth its weight in gold but she would never, ever anticipate that the experience would mean that she was worth her weight in gold.

News outlets all over the world are reporting that Rubina’s father is trying to sell her-that’s right, SELL her.  And her price has increased since Slum Dog won the award.

Of course, Rubina’s father has denied the allegations-including the one that reports he increased her price, saying she is ’special. She is an Oscar girl’.

We may never know the truth but what we do know is that the price to Rubina is incalcuable and it is potentially devastating to others as well.  

Why?

We are seeing human-trafficing splashed across the pages of our newspapers and as lead stories on other news outlets-under the guise of adoption!

Put yourself in the shoes of a child who was adopted-and who saw or heard about this story.  Can you imagine the pain that he/she may feel.  Maybe he/she would wonder whether or not he/she was bought and sold-no different than a transaction they might see in a supermarket.  No matter how secure he/she might be in your love the mere suggestion of this kind of exchange could be devastating to a child-especially one that wonders about how and why he/she came to be available for adoption.

Human trafficking is as horrendously wrong as legal and legitimate adoption is spectaularly right.  The problem is when one gets confused with the other. 

Let’s make sure that we keep them straight.  You might also consider the similarities and differences between Rubina’s situation and the ongoing Madonna/Malawi saga! 

Forget the tagline “Is it live or is it Memorex?”  The new mantra is “Is it adoption or is it human-trafficking?”

Whatever you decide,  you are going to have to tell your kids.

With Respect,

Deb

Earlier this month Saturday Night Live parodied Angelina Jolie and Madonna’s family formation tactics

This SNL skit really bugged me.  Adoption is not about ’saving the world one tiny exotic baby at a time’ it is about forming loving families.  I truly hope that the Jolie-Pitt kids and Madonna’s son never see their parents parodied like this.  Kids don’t want to be rescued, they want to be LOVED.

Can you imagine how the kids would feel if they saw these ‘funny’ skits? And even if the kids knew the score what message do these kinds of satire send to other kids about adoption and the children who join their families via adoption.

How would you feel?

How would your kids feel?

Think about that.

With Respect,

Deb

www.adoptingsmart.com

   Our guide, Liu (aka Jason) in Chengdu, PRC

In a hearing to discuss Senate Bill 362 Betty Brown, a representative from Texas has suggested that Asia Americans should change their “names that are easier for Americans to deal with.”   

Senate Bill 362 focuses on restrictive voter ID requirements. According to a member an Asian America advocacy group “people of Chinese, Japanese and Korean descent often have problems voting and identifying themselves because they may have a legal transliterated name and then a common English name that is used on identification cards.” Apparently, poll workers have some difficulty finding the names on the voter rolls.

“Representative Brown’s comments made clear that she lacks an understanding of Asian American cultures and that she in fact undervalues other cultures,” said OCA Executive Director George Wu. “It is unacceptable that Representative Brown believes that the burden should be placed upon individual voters to make it easier on poll workers to ensure that the voters get to exercise their right to vote, rather than expecting that the burden lay with the government to do its job correctly,” said Terry Ao, director of Census & Voting Programs at the Asian American Justice Center.  “Participation in the democratic process should unite all Americans; we should be seeking ways to encourage more voters, not inventing excuses to deny citizens their constitutional right to vote.”Interestingly, it is not just Representative Brown who thinks that Americans aren’t bright enough to use a person’s given name.    

We recently had the opportunity to foster a lovely little dog named Bessie.  Bessie is a sweet lab mix who was rescused from a ‘kill’ shelter in South Carolina and by Last Chance Animal Rescue Fund.

While we weren’t responsible for finding Bessie her ‘forever’ family, we were naturally interested in helping Last Chance finding a great home for her.  When one of our acquaintances expressed interest in her we were quite pleased.

My excitement dimmed when the acquaintance grilled me about Bessie.  “Ok,” I reasoned, “this is normal.”  But as the questioning continued, I became increasingly uncomfortable.  It seemed to me that the prospective owners were looking for the ‘perfect’ dog.

As the parent of a child of adoption, this plucked every string and even reminded me of a conversation I had with my daughter’s pediatrician when I recieved her initial paperwork.  In the pictures, my daughter appeared to have crossed eyes.  When I questioned-perhaps even grilled-the doctor she sternly reminded me that there was no such thing as a ‘perfect’ child-biological or adopted.

It strikes me that parents who choose adoption seem to think that they are entitled to some kind of guarantee that is not available to parents who grow their families biologically.  In the words of a kindergarten teacher, “you get what you get and you don’t get upset”.  Right?

Isn’t all parenthood-at its core-a leap of faith?   

Sure a guarantee would be great, but if that is what you are waiting for-good luck with that!

With Respect,

Deb

PS: Check out Adopting Smart for more great adoption information!

bessie

I would like to have been a fly on the wall when Madonna was told that her plan to adopt a little girl named Mercy was being put on hold.  Apparently, the Malawi courts weren’t willing to bend their adoption laws this time around.

Hooray for the Malawi courts for standong up to Madonna’s star power and enforcing their adoption requirements. It is nice to know that the rules do apply to everyone-even celebrities.

While the Malawi courts used their residency requirements to delay Madonna’s plan there is another factor at work.  Little Mercy has family members who are willing and able to take care of her-in Malawi.  To be sure, Madonna-the Ultimate Material Girl-will be able to provide Mercy with incredible opportunities. But is that enough of a reason to allow the adoption to go through?

Most thinking people would agree that it is best for children to be raised by their biological parents-even if those parents aren’t Madonna-like.  But what happens if the child can’t be raised by his/her biological parents?  Those same thinking people would probably agree that in the event that the child’s biological parents are not available and there are no other family members to care for the child that adoption is a viable and positive option.  But what happens when there are family members ready, willing and able to care for the child but without the benefits of international celebrity and riches?  What, then, is in the ‘best interest’ of the child?

The best option for little Mercy just may be staying with her remaining family in Malawi despite the dramatically different lifestyle she would have.

This concept is quite difficult for us to consider.  We ask ourselves “how could she be better off in an impoverished country when she could have all of the opportunities that Madonna’a lifestyle could provide her with?” 

Frankly, that is just arrogance speaking.  We assume that our way is the right way and that everyone would be better off if they did things our way. 

But our way isn’t always the best way.  We have to remember that for every opportunity that Madonna can provide for Mercy, she also takes important ones away. 

If Mercy leaves Malawi as Madonna’s daughter she loses as much as she gains. And the things she loses can not be replaced by any material girl.

I hope that Mercy stays with her family in Malawi and leads a happy and healthy life-which is just what I want for my daugther.  Isn’t that what you want for your kids!

With Respect,

Deb

How do you feel when you look at these powerful images of things that can’t be recovered? 

With luck, they will make you stop and think of the things we can recover.  Today would be a great day to reach out to someone who has been on your mind but for whatever reason you have been hesitant to connect with.  

Real friends can always be recovered-either spiritually or physically.  What a great lesson to teach your children.

With Respect,

Deb

It has been a long time since we have been blogging.  We have Facebooked, MySpaced and Twittered.  We have even traveled to Asia and back.  But blogging? No way.  No how.

 But now, we are back.  A little older.  A little wiser.  Even a little humbler.

Using your feedback, we are going to continue to do what we did well and can what didn’t work.  We are going to try and inject some more humor and take ourselves less seriously.  Sure, we are still going to spark controversy where we can just to keep things lively.  You can count on us for that. 

We will cover a range of topics-adoption, bullying, character education, racism, diversity, bias, education, family, and culture to name a few through our unique filter. 

Yes, we are going to help provide you some cool tools to help you navigate the sometimes stormy waters of parenting, with a view toward raising confident, hip and resilient kids ready to inherit their place in a global world. 

So thanks for hanging in there while we got ourselves together.

And by the way, don’t forget to check out www.adoptingsmart.com!  You-or someone you know will be glad that you did!

With Respect,

Deb