It seems that an elected official in Brooklyn is trying to drum the word ‘bitch’-referring to a cranky or otherwise unpleasant woman-out of our lexicon. She claims-and I agree-that this term is incredibly demeaning and should be used to refer to female dogs of the canine persuasion.

Naturally, this has caused quite a flap-from other elected officials in Brooklyn, to comics and celebrities and of course men. The men seem to be the most outraged. In a nutshell, they thing this woman is overreacting. They insist that the word bitch, in the right context is harmless (people said that about the ‘n’ word, too)

Interesting, no? Considering, that men aren’t-bitches; being bitchy and they don’t get ‘bitch slapped’. How would they know that being called a bitch isn’t an affront to someone who is?

That is what chaps my a–.

We are so quick to complain that political correctness run amok and that the ’slight’ changes in language are not important enough to lose sleep over. But, have you noticed that the the people who beat that particular drum aren’t usually the victims of hurtful language.

Case in point-men and bitches. What do you think would happen if we started referring to men as bitches (in the same context as women, of course). Those same me who are telling us to ‘cool our jets’-that being called a bitch isn’t a big deal-would be apoplectic if the tables were turned.

Of course, there are examples everywhere. Who are Caucasians to say that a Native American is being over sensitive when they are referred to as red men? Why can’t a person who is blind be recognized a person first and blind second (or at all). If we aren’t blind or handicapped, or black or Native American or short, tall, fat, thin, Asian, Hispanic, bald or whatever then we have no idea what would be offensive to those who are. Why are we so quick to dismiss what the effected person feels. Who made us in charge of what is offensive to the collective world.

What does this have to do with raising great kids? Everything.

When we teach our kids to respect and celebrate mankind-whatever kind they are-we are teaching them to give people the right to define what is offensive and draw boundaries. Our kids need to know that it is not ok to label and stereotype. Language is an incredibly powerful tool. We have been somewhat successful in changing some of our language and labels but we are far from finished. We have to keep after ourselves to respect others-in every way-until it becomes viscerally ingrained-something that we don’t have to think.

Frankly, this is just the first step and it is just about the easiest thing we could do. That’s ok, though because it takes a lot of raindrops to make an ocean-and a lot of ignorance to make a mountain out of molehill. Our job is to tell the difference between the two.

There is no surer key to your kids future success than that!

With respect,
Deb

Many of us roll our eyes and sign when we hear the word ‘diversity’. We may question whether or not we can individually make a difference, or we may be sick and tired of folks making diversity a political correctness issue.

But sometimes things just click and there are ways to introduce your kids (girls in this case, I suppose)to different cultures in a way that is FUN and giving at the same time.

Take a look at www.karito.com and their line of multi-cultural dolls. They are great! First of all the dolls are authentically beautiful-not a stereotype in sight. Secondly, the dolls each have a modern and hip story which kids will be able to relate to. Most importantly, once the dolls are registered online, kids can learn more about the different cultures that the dolls represent AND your child can vote on the charitable projects in each region that the Karito is involved in. You and your children will learn more about social responsibilty, world culture and charitable giving….all while playing with great toys!

This is a great example of ways to integrate diversity-racial, cultural, geograhical-into our kids everyday lives. It is through experiences like this-whether through books, music, games or toys that our children will really get the message that different is just different, not better or worse.

Many parents will spend a fortune on American Girl dolls-which are a great view into American culture. Are you one of the ones that see the value of adding a multi-cultural dimension to your kids experience.

If you do, we get one step closer to the level playing field that will help our children be safer and more successful.

Go for it….

With Respect,
Deb

Teachers, social workers, psychologists and other folks with similar experience often encourage us to take advantage of ‘teachable’ moments when they happen. A ‘teachable’ moment is, in my humble opinion, the opportunity to play show and tell with them. We can ’show’ them via an example that is happening in the present, and then tell them why we feel that it is not appropriate. Frankly and unfortunately, teachable moments about ‘isms’ are all to available in our world.

The movie

Hairspray

was just such a moment for us. Once we got over seeing John Travolta as the overweight middle-aged mother-complete with the Baltimorian twang-we settled in to be entertained.

The movie is set in the 60’s-right at the beginning of the Civil Rights movement. Intergration has not been incorporated into the American psyche. The lead character is Tracey, an overweight teenage dance sensation. She tries out for the local TV dance program-and is throw out immediately for her weight. The other ‘ism’ in the movie is racism as the Dance Show dedicates one show per week as “Negro Week”-where all of the dancers are black.

So we’ve got size issues with Tracey and race issues with the segregation of black and white teens.

The visual representation of segregation and the obvious distaste exhibited towards the overweight characters was fodder for a very interesting conversation on the way home.

Talked about label like Negro and fat and why they may or may not be appropriate. We talked about the fact that people were all people…different but not better or worse. And we talked about standing up for what you think is right-despite the consequences.

It was quite an interesting talk and my daughter was quick to point out similarities from the movie to her own life. Toward the end of the conversation, she nonchalantly said that what people looked like didn’t matter-it was what was inside that counted.

While I glowed with pride, I realized that we could have easily skipped over this ‘teachable’ moment and simply bounced out of the theater humming the music from the show. I am glad that I did.

We have to bring things up with our kids-if we wait for them to ask we may be waiting a long time and even sending the message that it is not ok to talk about things that may be difficult or uncomfortable.

What are are your teachable moments!

My daughter-who is 7-has been begging me for a cell phone. Apparently, all of her friends have cell phones. I would like to know who they are calling during the day when they are at school and/or camp-but that is a different story.

I have repeatedly told my daughter that I will not consider a cell phone for her until she is older/and or is going places on her own-for safety. Of course, this doesn’t stop the crying about why she is the only one without a cell phone-she is also the only one without an in-ground pool and a pony, too, so the cell phone crisis is more acute because it seems so available.

But, that is not the story. As she was begging, she asked me when my mother had gotten me my first cell phone. I then clued her in to life in the Dark Ages, before cell phones, computers, 1000 TV channels, video games and other ‘must haves’ for today’s kids.

She was shocked. She wanted to know how we spent out time-and what we did to keep boredom at bay.

But she was really concerned about the insurmountable dilemnas associated with not having a cell phone would cause. “How,” she cried, “could you text message?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. First, I have never sent a text message. Secondly, she was just devastated by the idea that the world once existed without this kind of technology.

I relate this story for two reasons-it is truly entertaining. More importantly, it showed me just how much my daughter wants to fit in with her friends.

By and large, her friends come from wealthy families and want for nothing (except, perhaps their parent’s attention) and she wants what they want-without having to give up the time she spends with me).

She is also acutely aware that she is one of the only-Asians, adoptee, single parent family with a working mom.

The inability to have a cell phone just hits a little too close to home. Of course, I could get her a cell phone, but that would only put a band-aid on the real issue-her self-esteem. My job as I see it is two-fold. One is to make myself obsolete-independence is a wonderful gift for children. The second is to do what I can to help her navigate her place in the world. A world in which she can be considered different on several fronts.

To combat this, we work hard to accept and respect other cultures, races, choices and traditions. We actively seek out friends of all shapes, sizes, and colors. We talk about judging people by the way they look or talk-or anything else that makes them different than we are. It is a conscious effort-and it does take work, because for me, it meant that I had to put aside my biases and re-focus my view of the world.

Kids will not make the judgements of “good” or “bad” until we tell them what good or bad is. Young kids, in particular, are incredibly accepting. We are trying to expose ourselves to all different kinds of people (some even without cell phones).

My daughter is being raised to believe that different is just different not better or worse.

How are your kids being raised?

With respect,
Deb

Another adoption scandal in making news this week. A woman in Florida is accused of terribly mistreating 11 kids and disabled adults that she had adopted over the last decade-all while bilking the system for $3 million dollars. To make matters worse,as she was cruelly humiliating the children of adoption, she was she was showering her one biological child with love, attention and material goodies-alleged to be funded in part by the money that was supposed to be used to raise the children she adopted.

But is the real story about adoption? Or, did she happen upon a way to circumvent the system to the tune of $3 million? Was she just after the money? Or did she want to abuse kids? Perhaps adoption was the facilitator to her money-making scheme. After all, robbing a bank or embezzling from an employer might be more work.

We may never know the real answers to these questions, but we do know that yet another negative adoption story-that may not even be about adoption-reinforces many of the stereotypes that we have about adoption.

Many prospective adoptive parents fear that they will not be able to love their child of adoption as they would a biological child. Reading this horrendous story-conspicuously reported without speculation on other reasons-plays right into that fear-and may even discourage parents from adopting (unless they want the money!). It also ‘reminds’ people that families formed by adoption are at best ‘flawed’.Couple that with the difficulty that the foster care systems that are already inundated with children they are struggling to find a home for and you get lots of kids without homes and more cemented and inaccurate biases against adoption, families formed through adoption and children of adoption.

The usual outcry from the adoption community is that the media never covers ‘good’ adoption stories-which is true. Unfortunately ‘good’ stories don’t sell papers and magazines. For whatever reason, we like controversy and we like the horror stories. If we didn’t the media would write about other things.

Still, this misses the point. The media-and all of us-need to question what this woman’s (and others like her) motives are/were. If we dig a little deeper, we may find out that it is about the adoption system rather than about adopting children. The kids were merely a means to a very profitable end. By giving them nothing she was able to lavish her biological son with rewards.

As usual, Tom Cruise’s famous line in Jerry McGuire, “show me the money” is likely where the real story-albeit probably less likely to sell papers-is.

Until we change what really needs changing-the system-we will continue to reinforce negative stereotypes and biases about adoption and the families who are touched by adoption.

Those biases don’t do us or our kids any good. Make sure that when you talk about family formation with your kids-you focus on the reality and not the hype. Nip the biases in the bud and we can level the playing field for all families.

With Respect,
Deb

An article in http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1647452-4,00.html Time questions whether or not we have become ‘anti-boy’?

Are our boys achieving less than girls? Are they more discouraged by global economics that they have retreated into their rooms, spending hour after hour getting fat and playing video games?

We aren’t surprised to read that girls out-perform boys in school,more boys drop out of school than girls and their reading levels are sub-standard. More girls than boys take the SATs, go to college or express passion for learning.

Christina Hoff Sommers, a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, puts all of the pieces together and comes up with the notion that both the schools and popular culture are “failing boys, leaving them restless bundles of anxiety–misfits in the classroom and video-game junkies at home.” She goes further, saying “boyhood is toxic: as a pathology.”

Clearly, being functionally illiterate is a huge obstacle for later success-how can anyone, male or female get a job without learning to read? Not many.

So what can we do? First, recognize that there is, in fact, a problem. Second, we must shift our resources into spending time with our kids-the more the better.

But this is not a license to micro-manage your kids. In fact, many speculate that it is the lack of “boyhood basics” like competitions, adventures, belonging to groups and mentors that boys need-a need that some believe have remained constant for hundreds of years-that is the root of the problems boys are having.

Apparently, boys need ’structured freedom’ and the opportunity to compete for or against something in order to feel good about themselves. Does that mean that these needs are in male DNA code? Or a we just looking for a justification for our boys falling behind girls-a position that they most certainly would not like?

I am the parent of a girl. I have rearranged my life to be around while she is growing up. I try and give her the freedom she needs-without compromising her safety. She likes to compete-and hates to lose. And yes, she is a passionate learner.

But is that because the schools and society are giving her more attention somehow? Is she just naturally a smart and connected kid? Am I a super-mom?

Much as I would like to think that I am the best mom on the planet, I know better. My daughter has an eviable passion for life and learning that is enhanced by the opportunities that surround her.

Why shouldn’t our boys have the same experience? And why are we creating yet another divide or ‘ism’ in our society at a time when we should be looking for solutions to much bigger problems.

With Respect,
Deb

There is another storm brewing in Cobb County, Georgia today. Local officials are trying to cap the number of people living under the same roof. They are also concerned about the number of cars parked at an individual residence.

Some residents applaud the moving saying that their property values are negatively impact by the number of people and cars at the same location. Opponents of the measures say that this is an attempt to discriminate against people of Hispanic and other ethnic backgrounds.

This controversy does smell of racial discrimination-hidden behind the guise of property values. When are we going to wake up and smell the coffee? This kind of hidden discrimination does not help our children to respect and celebrate all people.

Are the people in question breaking any laws by living in crowded conditions? Do we want to live in the fantasy that they want to live in a house that can’t accommodate them comfortably? Let’s get real. Everyone does what he or she has to do to take care of themselves and their families. What they don’t need is some nosy, racist neighbor making a difficult life more difficult.

What is happening in Cobb County happens all over the world where the price of housing is astronomical. Take a look at Hong Kong and other Asia cities. Large extended families live together in small apartments so that the children can save for their own families and apartments. There is just no other choice.

Instead of making things difficult for different groups of people-almost universally minorities-should we be looking for ways to make things just a bit easier or at least not put up premeditated roadblocks that serve no purpose other than to line a white person’s pockets?

This debacle has the look and feel of the immigration controversy recently dinged in Congress. When are we and our government going to create policies that preserve human dignity for everyone?

Today would be a good time to start.

With Respect,
Deb

Parents in Tennessee were ordered to reliquish custody of their Chinese-born daughter to her birth parents.

Just reading those words can send shivers down the spines of even the most secure adoptive parent. But when you know the rest of the story-that the child had been in foster care in US because her birthparents lost their income and medical insurance and did not understand that they were potentially giving up their custodial rights. They just thought they could leave her in foster care until they got back on their feet.

Seven year later, the young girl-who has lived with the Tennessee couple-will be returned to her birthparents by the end of July. The judge ruled that the birthparents did not understand the consequences of their actions and in fact, had been fighting for her since they put her into foster care.

Some people are outraged-how can rip away all that the girl has come to know? How can the seperate her from the ‘parents’ who raised her for the last seven years? Many wonder what the long-term consequences of the decision on the child.

At the end of the day, this girl belongs with her parents-in this case the ones who brought her into this world. In fact, all children are better off if they are raised by their birthparents and in their birth-culture if it is possible.

Now, this doesn’t mean adoption is wrong and that all children of adoption should be returned to their birthparents. Far from it. What it means is that we better make darn good and sure that the children who are available for adoption, are, in fact, available for adoption. No glitches in the system should be acceptable.

The heartache and heartbreak that everyone in the Tennessee situation went through is enormous and has to be eliminated-not just in this case but for all adoptions.

It is stories like this-that make national headlines-that reinforce the negative stereotypes about adoption. In this case, it also reinforces stereotypes and myths about Chinese people and their acceptance in this country.

Adoption, like racism, sexism, ageism etc is just another divide-another way for people to seperate themselves from others-and not in a positive way.

We have to stop all the ‘isms’. We have to get our kids on a level playing field-no matter what they look like, where they come from or how they joined their families.

Let’s do the right thing…starting right now.

With respect and celebration,
Deb

My friend’s daughter got married yesterday. Becky joined the family when her parents adopted her from Korea when she was a baby.

She and her husband made a beautiful couple and were shining with their love and the support of family and friends. It was a great day.

When Becky went to the salon she had been going to all of her life to get a pre-wedding manicure, the manicurists (all Korean) patted her on the head and sighed-”too bad he’s a white boy.”

While we all chuckled when her mother related that story, it made me stop and think. I am pretty connected to my own biases-they are pretty typical of women my age, reace and background I think. I guess I knew that all people carried biases along with them-I just never really thought that Caucasians as the object of racism. It had just never occured to me (ok, so I am a little slow on the uptake).

And that is a bias in and of itself.

Where it nets out for me is that I need to open my eyes and look at things from other perspectives.

In other words, its time to put up or shut up.

I know, I usually make this fun Friday, but I saw this on www.overheadatthebeach.com and it stopped me cold. If Overheard at the beach really comprises things that people actually overhear and submit then this is racism at its worst-and reflects the ignorance of the speaker.

If it is a “joke” that is even worse. “Jokes” can and do reinforce and spread racism and bias. When we think we are ‘funny’ at someone else’s expense-what does that say about us?

Ask yourself if this is funny or racist-it can’t be both can it?

I Was Told This Was a Gated Community

Mom: I don’t think we can stay at this hotel the whole time.
Daughter: Why? What’s wrong? It’s not that bad…
Mom: No, there’s just so many Mexicans at the pool.
Daughter: We’re in Mexico, mother!

–Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

With Respect:
Deb