Finally, families formed through adoption have something to cheer about in the media. For the first time in recent memory a media vehicle has hit on the facts and emotions about adoption on the nose!

Congratulations are in order to the team, lead by Executive Producer Pierre Valette, who created the Arthur episodes following Binky Barnes and his family as they expand their family with the adoption of a baby girl from China. This is one of the first shows featuring adoption that wasn’t demeaning or pandering. In fact, reviews indicate just the opposite-the show was able to accurately portray some of the feelings that a waiting sibling might have when facing the addition of a new family member. Binky Barnes’s emotions run the gamete from excitement to dismay-and fear of getting the dreaded inoculations needed to travel to China to meet his sister.

This episode-and its sequel go a long way in normalizing adoption bringing it out of the shadows and exposing children and their parents to family formation in the real world. Attention is even paid to proper adoption language (probably for the first time in TV history). This show is a far cry from other adoption-related shows including the infamous Who’s Your Daddy which served only to infuriate families all over the country and exploit the participants.

Thank you Pierre Valette, the entire team and the folks at PBS for making this happen. We just took a giant step in leveling the playing field for families formed by adoption.

With respect,
Deb

The other night my mother was related a story about a gal in her office who had recently found her dream house. The woman is black.

The woman told my mother that she and her family loved the house,but were concerned that

there were so many Mexicans

in the neigborhood. My mother was shocked that a black person could be biased. She thought bigotry and racism were the purvey of Caucasians.

Of course, we know intellectually that everyone, everywhere has biases, but sometimes it seems that it is only white people who are biased (nothing like a little supremacy complex). That is simply not true-we just don’t hear about it or think about it.

There seems to be a racial hierarchy with whites a the top of the pyramid. Second in line seem to Asians (after all they are all bright and hard-working). Black and Hispanic people pull in behind Asians. Given the demographic coming attractions where white population decreases rapidly against the rise in non-white populations, this seems to be incredibly stupid.

My child is a child of color. Some people will actually say (or intimate) that ‘at least she isn’t black’. When I pick myself up off of the floor, I still have to bite my tongue, but what the heck is that all about?

If adults are surprised that all people are biased and if we are using a racial ‘rating system’ to determine one’s status in society then you can be sure that kids are getting that message loud and clear.

So ask yourself if you have any hierarchical racial system that you are unconsciously transferring to your children. You might want to consider putting a stop to that. You aren’t doing your kids any favors. Kids need to be cognizant that everyone deserves to be judged based on his or her strengths and weakness, not by any antiquated and biased points of view that seep out of the most well-meaning parents.

Unfortunately, racism, like poverty, violence and other societal ills truly cuts across all boundaries. It does seem sad that some of the things that we all share are so negative, while the positive things take a back seat. Today’s challenge is to become aware of how we ‘rate’ people and start to look at how we can keep it to ourselves.

Like any issue, recognition that there is an issue is the first step!

With respect,
Deb

September is National Hispanic Heritage and National Literacy Month. This combination is a great opportunity to expose your kids to Hispanic culture and encourage them to read.

Each Thursday in September, the books highlighted showcase Hispanic culture-and are personal favorites.

Enjoy, The Day It Snowed Tortillas / El Dia Que Nevaron Tortillas, Folktales told in Spanish and English-we did.

Books are an easy, fun and inexpensive way to give your children some of the tools they need to respect, celebrate and appreciate cultures, choices and abilities.

For a few books with a bit broader cultural context try these:

With Respect:
Deb

From bad to worse!

Some people just don’t get it-or are so interested in making money that they don’t care if they profit by abusing others.

CBS joins the rarefied crowd of those that ‘don’t get it’. As difficult as it is to believe, they replaced the controversial Don Imus with an even more (is it even possible) controversial racist, sexist and ethnocentric ’shock jock’.

Yep! They did it again when they announced that Craig Carton who’s history includes, Operation Rat a Rat/La Cucha Gotcha-a ‘game’ to turn in undocumented immigrants, ‘outing’ politicians THOUGHT to be gay and mocking Asians by mimicking accents and traditions.

To be fair, Carton wasn’t always a jerk. He has done sports formatted programs across the country and has successfully increased ratings in many of the markets he broadcast in. And like Imus, he has generously supported children’s charities. CBS is pairing him with ex-football player Boomer Esiason-who one can only hope will be the voice of reason.

CBS must think that-despite the Imus flap that there is a market for sexist, racist and other offensive programming. It is up to us to convince them that we don’t agree. This is the time to step up to the plate and vote with your pocketbook. Don’t listen to Carton’s show, don’t support the advertisers that support the show. Make your feelings about this type of programming known in the only way that CBS will respond to. We need to hit them in the pocketbook.

If you are serious about raising great kids, the example you set by fighting bias, racism etc will be the best thing that you do. They will know that you don’t just talk about changing things-you do something. That is more powerful than anything else you can do.

With respect
Deb

Kids all over the country are counting down the last days of summer-and so are their parents albeit for different reasons!

160,000 kids every day stay home due to bullying and 1 out of three kids in the US are effected by bullying-as victim, as onlooker or as a bully. And those are only the ones we know about.

Many bullying incidents take place out of the watchful eyes of parents and teacher-on the bus, on the playground and other places that kids frequent with some independence.

Bully on the Bus by Carl Bosch offers kids from 6-9 the opportunity to help a boy who is bullied on the school bus. The story invites the reader to weigh alternative and then explore the consequences of their choices. Not only are the kids actively engaged in the book, it is a great opportunity to get kids to talk about their experiences with bullies in a non-threatening, non-tattle-tale way.

In a world where bullying is at epidemic proportions and the consequences can be unbearable violence, we have to intervene before there is a problem. The old adage about sticks and stones has changed to sticks and stones can break your bones, and names can hurt you.

With respect
Deb

Eyes are the window of the soul.

And we also look at a person’s eyes and immediately assess what their race is. We automatically assume that a person with almond-shaped eyes is Asian. (By the way, rarely to Asians describe their eyes as almond-shaped. When asked the difference between their eyes and others, they are much more likely to refer to differences in color.)

Sometimes, Asian kids are teased because they have almond-shaped eyes. One Chinese woman recently told me that almond-shaped eyes are considered a sign of beauty as they are the same shape of the phoenix!

But looks can be deceiving.

Look carefully at Anjelina Jolie’s and Ben Affleck’s eyes. They are all beautifully almond-shaped-and I don’t think any of them are Asian!

The ‘take away’ for our kids is ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ or a person by the way they look. We want our kids to be able to appreciate each other. In
Families are Forever, Rain sums it up when she says,”I could see we looked different…..Our eyes were different, but we could both see. Our lips were different but we could both smile.”

So before you or your kids jump to conclusions, take a step back and remember what Rain said. You can’t go wrong that way.

With Respect,
Deb

Never one to miss the chance to ‘beat a dead horse’, even I was surprised to see the fervor which still surrounded the photo exhibit, Daddy and I by O.Zhang.

It is interesting to see how people have become experts-in photography, East-West relations, father/daughter relationships and even ESP! The flap over the appropriateness of the photos and their ‘true’ meaning’ continues unabated-particularly in the adoption community.

As of yesterday, some of the more skeevy photos were taken off of O.Zhang’s site. This morning, one adoption group member reported that the photographer had taken note of the derision the photos were causing and reacted by re-arranging her website.

I am not sure if this is the effect that is most beneficial-in the long run-for our kids. On the positive side a group of people joined together and had their voices heard. Our kids can see democracy in action which is a great thing.

However, I wonder if this is the best course of action for kids long term. Intentional or not, O.Zhang’s photos made people think about their biases and stereotypes. Some people were uncomfortable and (some oblivious, too) with the feelings that came up. It’s ok to be uncomfortable, right? Sometimes changing oneself takes time and courage. Shouldn’t we be thanking O.Zhang for pushing bias to the front burner? Isn’t owning our biases the way to keep them to ourselves and not pass them on to our kids?

Of course, it is. But like any problem, the first step is recognizing that there is a problem. Zhang’s photos forced us to remember that our biases are alive and well, albeit, deeply buried. As the old saying goes, “Da Nile, isn’t just a river in Egypt.”

The question is what are we going to to about it. Here are some thoughts:

1. Give yourself a break for feeling biases-we all do, no matter what.

2. You have a choice whether or not to pass your biases onto your children. That involves being as present and aware as you can be. When your child hears you mutter, “go faster you little old lady” when you are driving behind a senior citizen, they will pick up that there is something wrong with being old. They will file that away and pull it out when they ‘need’ to.

3. Your language matters. You have probably tried to limit your use of four-letter words around your kids, but you might not have thought about other labels that serve to cement biases. Labels like ‘illegal alien or immigrant’ are not only divisive, they are not accurate. People are in the US without paperwork-which is illegal, but people themselves are not illegal. Don’t dismiss language as ‘political correctness’ and wait for it to wane. Respectful ways to talk about people who are different than you are makes a BIG impression on your kids. It is the first step in raising kids that are respectful-and successful.

Anything that makes us stop, think and react is a good thing-especially as it relates to how we raise our kids.

While I was not so crazy about the photos-I think that they are doing a good job of making us talk about some of our racial, sexual and cultural issues.

I welcome things that make me think and challenge me to be a better parent-even if it makes me crazy.

With Respect,
Deb

Lots of talk about photographer O Zhang’s exhibit Daddy and I (http://web.mac.com/zhang_o/iWeb/Site/Daddy%20&%20I%20.html) has been bubbling up in blogs and Internet chat groups over the past week or so.

The exhibit is a series of photographs of girls who joined their families via adoption from China and their Caucasian fathers. Sounds good so far, right?

The artist’s statement about the photos indicates that he was trying to “capture the affection between a female child an an adult male”-especially when different racial and cultural groups are part of the mix. Zhang further writes, “through the relationship of the emerging feminine power of the adolescent girl to the mature father, each image explores the relation of the two often divided cultures: East and West.”

Sounds reasonable, right?

Why, then, are the photos creating such a stir? Maybe it is about the vague sense of unease we get when we look at the photos? We ask ourselves, “Are these poses appropriate for a father and daughter?” or “Are these photos suggestive?”. Are they intentionally provocative? What would your reaction be if you didn’t know they were fathers and daughters?

Our reactions are largely based on our own internal wiring and the ever present biases and stereotypes that are part of what makes us human.

And maybe, despite the photographers ’statement’ about the images, that is what the photos are supposed to do. Instead of simply exploring the relationships between fathers and daughters in a trans-racial family, the photos force us to come to grips with some long-held biases relating to older men and young girls, sexual stereotypes and the ‘right-ness’ of trans-racial families to name just a few.

Whatever the photographer’s intent, the result is that people are looking at these photos and reacting-viscerally. Some are appalled, shocked and angry. Others think that the images do show the love and respect between fathers and daughters that transcend race and culture.

But, the important thing is your reaction to the photos? Do it make you feel warm and fuzzy or creepy? Maybe you think that the brouhaha is a just another publicity stunt to help the artist sell more photos and stage more shows. Whatever, you think-the point is you did think.

Thinking is the first step to identifying our biases and stereotypes. We don’t have to get rid of them if we don’t want to. We just have to choose whether or not we want to pass them on to our kids.

Jack Welch, the former CEO of General Electric, once said, “we need to view reality as it is and not as we want it to be.”

Bigotry and bias have no place in the 21st century-the world is too diverse-and dangerous for us not to figure out how we can find our place without stepping on someone else’s place.

And just so you know, I did think the photos were skeevy. They had a big yuck factor for me.

With respect,
Deb

Stereotypes go both ways. They can be positive, i.e. all tall men play great basketball, or negative, i.e. Chinese people can’t run fast, but they are great at sports that require skill like gymnastics or diving.

I seriously didn’t make these examples up! In fact, in the last Olympics a Chinese hurdler won a gold medal-much to the shock of the Chinese press who cautioned the home-country fans not to get too excited because the Chinese-by some genetic fluke-just can’t run as fast as other people. Imagine the surprise when that man crossed the finish line first!

Take a look at this one…and remember kids need to be taught stereotypes!

From “Overheard in NY”

Teacher: And Montana–
Asian girl, interrupting: –Wait, isn’t Montana somewhere near Germany along with Maine?

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Have a great weekend.

With Respect,
Deb

What little girl or boy can’t relate to dressing up in their parent’s clothes?

Mama’s Sari hones in on this universal experience as a mom and her seven year-old daughter select a sari for her to wear. Of course, the sari is gorgeous and the young girl begs her mother to wear it immediately. Of course, the mom relents and together they explore the traditions associated with saris.

There is a Hindi glossary that can help with the terms.

Mama’s Sari is another great example of how books can provide positive role models for kids of color and provide an introduction to a piece of Indian culture for everyone.

Do you have any favorite books, movies etc. that you want to recommend? Please don’t hesitate to let me know.

With Respect:
Deb