It has been a long time since we have been blogging.  We have Facebooked, MySpaced and Twittered.  We have even traveled to Asia and back.  But blogging? No way.  No how.

 But now, we are back.  A little older.  A little wiser.  Even a little humbler.

Using your feedback, we are going to continue to do what we did well and can what didn’t work.  We are going to try and inject some more humor and take ourselves less seriously.  Sure, we are still going to spark controversy where we can just to keep things lively.  You can count on us for that. 

We will cover a range of topics-adoption, bullying, character education, racism, diversity, bias, education, family, and culture to name a few through our unique filter. 

Yes, we are going to help provide you some cool tools to help you navigate the sometimes stormy waters of parenting, with a view toward raising confident, hip and resilient kids ready to inherit their place in a global world. 

So thanks for hanging in there while we got ourselves together.

And by the way, don’t forget to check out www.adoptingsmart.com!  You-or someone you know will be glad that you did!

With Respect,

Deb

Please donate on pair of new pajamas to the kids in the San Diego area who have lost so much.

Send on pair of NEW pjs to:

SCRIPPS Hospital
Attn: Pajama Drive
9888 Genesee Ave
Mailstop LJ36
La Jolla, CA 92037

Please include a short note and a picture of your child.

Please do it today!

With Respect
Deb

This one is an oldie but a goodie. In fact, after a recent teasing incident this book was read to all the kids in my daughter’s school-followed by a discussion. This book does double duty-it is fun, has beautiful illustrations and packs a powerful message without hitting you over the head.

Take a look at

Giraffes Can’t Dance

and share it with your kids, your kids’ schools and anyone who will listen.!

With respect
Deb

That harmless phrase was the beginning of one of those common school-yard clapping songs-the 21st century version of “Miss Mary Mack”-that my Asian-born daughter came home singing the other day. I didn’t think too much about it until I realized that the song came complete with gestures-one of which involved pulling the sides of the eyes into a long slit (aka Chinese eyes).

I hemmed and hawed about what to do. I felt that this gesture was disrespectful and could lead to other stereotyping and teasing, but since I sometimes go off half-baked I decided to cool my jets for a bit.

The results of yesterday’s poll swayed me. All of the voters indicated that they would take some action-evenly split between intervening immediately if their child was bullied or helping the child deal with the situation and then intervening if the child needed further assistance.

I opted for contacting the school and the teacher. Thankfully, their take on the incident was similar to mine-not appropriate, disrespectful and must end-and the teacher took immediate action in the classroom and the school principal readily acknowledged that the problem was not likely isolated to the third-grade and they would be taking action school-wide.

Later in the day, I got an email from the teacher. She had spoken to some of the kids involved-none of them had really listened to the words or understood the implications of the gestures. Her comment-when do we learn what the words mean?

The answer, I think, is “when we teach them what it means”. My daughter was furious that I went to her teacher-she said she wasn’t upset by the song or the gesture. I had to explain to her that both were disrespectful and inappropriate and that I was standing up for what I felt was right-and the school was supportive.

My daughter learned two valuable lessons-1) The importance of standing up for what you believe-even if it doesn’t effect you directly and 2)why that particular song and gesture were inappropriate. With luck she will begin to evaluate other things with a more critical eye-asking herself and her peers to be more considerate of others and figuring out that is never ok to make fun of the way anyone looks-ever.

These are lessons that need to be taught. They don’t happen automatically. So, if you are parenting on autopilot-as we all do-take a minute and listen to what your kids are singing, what they are saying to their friends and others-and make sure that you like what you hear-or do something about it.

With respect,
Deb

October 11, 1492 is the actual day that Columbus landed in the New World and this book is a great choice for young readers who are interested in history (or readers you want to get interested in history!)

Rather than the usual pandering to the Columbus myth, this book puts kids right in the story asking them to imagine the excitement and pitfalls of sailing with Columbus. The first line of the book immediately draws the reader in with a description of Columbus’s life as a ten-year old dreamer. From there, each chapter asks the reader to consider some of the least ‘romantic’ aspect of exploration, like, ‘how would you pay for it’, ‘how would you prepare your fleet’, ‘how would you steer’, ‘what would you do if you lose hope’, ‘could you survive on shore’ and ‘could you get home safely’.

This book will make would-be explorers stop and think about the realities of exploration as well as let them gain insight into some of the challenges that Columbus faced.

With Respect,
Deb

On Monday, people in 33 of our 50 United States celebrated Columbus Day. Of course, this immediately begs the question “what happened to the other 17 states?” Do they know something we don’t? Or is it purely a bureaucratic oversight?

Not knowing the real answer, I started to look into Christopher Columbus’s story. I had grown up singing “Columbus sailed the ocean blue in fourteen hundred and ninety-two, thinking that Columbus had, in fact, discovered American.

As it turns out, Columbus ‘discovered’ land that was inhabited by hundreds of thousands of native people that had arrived in what is now the Americas, around 800 BCE via the Bering Strait. Not only that, but Columbus made four trips to the New World,was arrested in his own colony and sent back to Spain in disgrace.

His fourth and final trip brought him within 9 miles of his goal of reaching the Pacific Ocean to get to China and India, but his stubbornness and arrogance caused him to turn around. He didn’t believe the native people knew an overland route to the Pacific.

Columbus was greedy and an incredibly bad leader-his own men and the indigenous people couldn’t stand him. He died broke and forgotten in 1506.

Wow! Who knew? I had always held Columbus in the highest esteem-a hero even. But faced with additional information, I had to revise my position. Columbus, far from being a hero was a failure and by all accounts a miserable guy to be around. Not only did he not find a trade route to the “Indies”, and fail to find the amount of gold he promised Ferdinand and Isabella, he was imprisoned in his own colony and was an all around jerk!

Of course, he was a brilliant sailor and navigator and his contribution to our world is enormous, but at the very least Columbus was a complex dichotomy. Maybe even a bit of an enigma.

With this new information, my bias about Columbus and his endeavors-which up until now were positive-have shifted. I can not just accept the information I was taught as a kid. I must face the fact that there is more to Columbus than meets the eye.

Hmmmm, this sounds familiar doesn’t it. We develop biases based on data that may or may not be accurate and we own them. Ok, we are human. The question is what do we do when faced with additional and/or conflicting information. Do we rigidly hold onto your old beliefs or do you modify based on the new information?

I am suggesting that we teach our children to evaluate their biases and beliefs as new information comes their way. When it comes to the biases that can lead to bullying, rigidity is not something we want to promote.

So, if an when my daughter comes home humming a tune about Columbus, I will tell her the entire story-the good and the bad-and let her make her own judgement about Columbus.

With Respect,
Deb

PS: Max got out within hours of my triumphant announcement that I had fooled him. Back to the drawing board.

Sometimes lessons can come from the most unusual places!

I can sometimes feel a bit like trying to change the course of a river. I look around me and wonder, “am I really making progress”, or “can we really make our future bully-free?”

Yes, there are times that I want to give up and let it be someone elses problem.

But then, something happens.

What happened this time was Max.

Max is our 2 year-old beagle-poodle mix-we call him our designer dog gone bad as Max was in a puppy mill waiting with his head on the chopping block. Max is one determined dog. He likes to roam. I have spent more days and more money trying to keep Max safe and in the yard. Yet Max always finds a way out.

Oh, I can keep him in for a while but eventually he finds another escape hatch and I have to find out where it is and then how to patch it up so that he can’t escape.

You have to hand it to the dog, he just doesn’t give up. There are times when I think he is smarter than I am-or maybe he is just focused on one objective-exploring the neighborhood.

Today, I found his latest path to freedom and spent some time putting up yet another piece of fencing. So far, he appears to be flummoxed, but I know that someday soon he will be visiting his friends on the other side. He just will keep looking and sniffing until he is successful.

This lesson from Max couldn’t have come at a better time for me. It can get tiring and frustrating to carry the bully-free future flag.

But like Max, I am going to keep looking and sniffing-focusing on one child, one school and one community at a time. I know that we can successfully eliminate bias and bullying.

Won’t you join me?

Where do your lessons come from?

With Respect,
Deb

I was watching Larry King interview Suzy Orman. They covered a wide range of topics from the mortgage meltdown, to consumer credit card debt and how to accumulate wealth. Larry King asked Suzy how much money did one have to have to be truly wealthy-able to live their lifestyle without touching the money.

Her answer-$100 million dollars. Yes, that is right. $100 million.

I remember talking with my friend Bob Grossman in the 80’s about his plan to accumulate $1 million and live off of the $80k in interest. Bob did accumulate his million-but doesn’t feel that 80k is enough to meet his needs.

So, where does this leave those of us who haven’t accumulated 1 million let alone $100 million. We used to be called the ‘middle class’-the people squeezed in between the rich and the poor. We used to represent the bulk of the US population. Yet we are an endangered species. In fact, the Wall Street Journal reported that the next generation of Americans will be the first generation that can’t expect to live better than their parents!

As the middle class is declining in the United States, we are seeing the creation of yet another divide between people. And we can see the consequences of this schism in other countries right now. And it ain’t pretty.

We live in a non-middle class area. For me, I could care less. But my daughter has been asking me lately if we are rich? I say, of course, we have are rich in love and laughter and family-we have food, are healthy and have a roof over our heads. What she really wants to know where we stack up in the wealth area compared to her friends-they kids are talking about money and the lack thereof in the third grade. Her friends have moms that don’t work, that take vacations to Florida at the drop of a hat. Her friends take tennis lesson, horseback riding lessons, piano, violin, and what ever other lessons their parents believe will make them ‘better people. To my daughter these kids have everything.

But, when her friends do come here they have fun and alway wish that their parents spent time with them doing things-raking and jumping in leaves, catching butterflys, baking and other ‘middle class’ activities. Apple picking in the fall, picking berries in the summer, planting a garden, walking our own dogs, shoveling our own walks, putting money in the piggy bank, donating to local charities and helping wherever and how ever we can. We are just like millions of people all over the country. But, if Suzy Orman and the Wall Street Journal are to be believed, then we are an endangered species-our kids will either be rich or poor.

Given those dire predictions,how do we instill the values that made our country great in our children-a respect for money, the value of earning a dollar, saving vs. spending, and respect for people who don’t have as much money as they might.

Money hasn’t always been considered an “ism” like racism, sexism ageism etc, but we are getting to the point where we are going to have to face the reality that our kids are going to have another ‘ism’ to deal with.

Like all other ‘isms’ the time to start helping your kids understand that money-having some or having none doesn’t define the value a person can bring to their lives is right now.

With Respect
Deb

At the Mouth of the Luckiest River is an oldie but a goodie. The book was first published over three decades ago, but is remarkably free of negative Native American stereotypes. The book tells the story of an Athabascan Indian boy and his determination to keep the peace between his tribe and the Eskimos. The young man must confront his tribe’s medicine man-one of the most powerful members of the tribe-to stand up for what he believes is right.

This book may be a bit hard to find, but like many classics is worth the effort.

Have a good weekend.

With respect,
Deb

Yesterday, I voted for Jenny Bowen, the founder of Half the Sky-an organization dedicated to making the lives of children living in orphanages better-to carry the Olympic Torch.

Jenny, an American, lives and works in Beijing. She said she will run with eight Chinese children who are orphans.

On many levels this is a wonderful thing-it raises awareness for the kids who are left behind in China’s orphanages, the publicity could help Half the Sky raise money which could help more children, its a great image of international co-operation and it is great showcase for adoption.

Today, I read some of the comments on the site. There are some people that think Jenny is ‘cheating’. They question how she could have gotten so many votes in a short period of time. Indeed, her votes nearly doubled in less than 24 hours and it appears she is closing in on the leader.

This is a perfect example of the power of the internet-adoption groups-representing thousands of families formed via adoption-all over the world are being rallied to Jenny’s side.

Of course, in many cases the rank and file Chinese citizen is not privvy to groups, blogs and other lightning fast communciation tools. It is easy to see where the idea that Jenny was cheating could come from.

So, is Jenny’s selection really a good thing? I am certainly not as sure as I was yestday. I wonder how we would react if a Chinese citizen had carried the torch in Atlanta or Salt Lake City? I suspect there would be outrage that one of ‘our own’ got supplanted by someone who was not a citizen. Should Jenny win, what impact will it really have on international relations? on adoption?

The Chinese have a long tradition of saving face. How will they handle the international public scrutiny on their adoption policies. Not only will the world comment on what happens to China’s children, but the Chinese themselves will be made aware of just how many kids are leaving the country or languishing in orphanages. Much of this information has been kept from rank and file Chinese citizens.

So, like most complex questions there are positives and negatives. I know which way I am leaning. Maybe the eight kids representing all the children in the orphanages should carry the torch…

What do you think?

With Respect,
Deb